SNL Reviews: Timothee Chalamet (1/25/25)

 Today’s Retro Decimator Quote is…

“The only thing I laughed at was Kenan mistaking a poster of the musical Annie for a poster of JonBenet Ramsey.” (from Maya Rudolph/Jack Harlow, 2021)

Cold Open: Founding Fathers

The Declaration of Independence gets interrupted by Trump. Oh, and Lin-Manuel Miranda is there.

• Why are there female cast members in this sketch? Did they not have enough male extras or something?

• Pointless appearance from Lin-Manuel Miranda doing his Hamilton shtick. Reminds me of that awful cold open a few years ago where they had him playing Julien Castro for no reason other than “celebrity lol”.

• Aaaaaand we suddenly get interrupted by Trump. I’ve already said enough about him, so let’s move on.

Monologue

Timothee talks about his losing streak at award shows.

• Not a big fan of that montage of Timothee’s reactions at award shows. I almost expected them to throw in that old clip of Brendan Fraser laughing.

• The Curb Your Enthusiasm theme as a punchline? Really???

• Speaking of old-ass references, he just mentioned the Dune popcorn bucket. Ugh, I’m still trying to forget that awful song about it from last season.

Sketch: Bungee

Wacky shenanigans happen at a fitness class.

• I can’t imagine anyone who would want to go to this kind of place in real life. It looks so stupid.

• Oh my God at the wig Timothee is wearing. *checks notes* Yep, this is a Jimmy Fowlie sketch.

• Longfellow is a great straight man as usual.

• Yeah…this sketch is not for me. Maybe the TikTok sluts and camwhores will get a kick out of it?

• The only laugh I got was the Jimmy Carter move, in which they all lie down like they’re dead. Pretty ballsy moment, considering Carter had died only a few weeks before.

Film: Medcast

The doctor’s appointment that feels like a podcast.

• Interesting concept…

• There’s a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it jab at Joe Rogan when Heidi talks about people getting their medical advice from social media.

• This looks like the same set as the “Banger Boyz” sketch from a few episodes ago.

• The slow-motion footage is making me laugh for some reason, especially when Ashley is shown checking Emil’s ears.

• JAJ’s scene, in which he is talking about apes taking mushrooms, is made infinitely funnier when it pans out to reveal that he is having a rectal exam.

• Great ending with the podcast thumbnails, which all have clickbaity titles like “WTF?! Virgin has herpes??”, complete with Andrew and Marcello soyfacing.

Sketch: New Barista Training

A new barista is bad at banter.

• Jane appears for like two seconds before leaving the sketch.

• Ashley Padilla has been getting a lot of airtime tonight. It’s kind of funny how this is her second lead role that involves her telling bad jokes.

• Hilarious sudden Def Jam-style delivery from Timothee’s character.

• Mikey, you don’t need to explain everything. Why don’t you understand that?

• This whole bit about big women is particularly hilarious.

• I like how Ashley’s jokes are always followed by Heidi feeling uncomfortable. The last time this happens, she even asks Ashley if everything is okay at home.

• Kenan’s appearance at the end was kind of pointless, but I still enjoyed it.

Film: Oedipal Arrangements

The new Valentine’s Day treats made just for mama’s boys.

• Funny disturbing concept.

• The various shots of Michael feeding his mother candy in a sexual manner are really creepy, but in a good way.

• Mikey is the eternal SNL cuck.

• Something odd, though. Where has Timothee been in these fake ads?

Sketch: AI Software

The AI is becoming self-aware.

• This Candy Crush bit at the beginning just feels weird to me.

• I like Ego mentioning that the school will be turned into a Target or a jail if her students’ grades don’t improve.

• “Bae”? Did Timothee really just say that? 

• Now Bowen just said it too?!?? Who wrote this?!? A teenager?

• All of the reacting and explaining is driving me crazy. We have eyes, SNL!

• The visual of Timothee and Bowen having six fingers on each hand is at least memorably bizarre.

• Sarah: “Trish sounds butch AF.” Nobody talks like this!

• No comment on the horrible ending where the AI characters start dancing.

Musical Performance: “Outlaw Blues”, “Three Angels”

• Pointless appearance from Adam Sandler at the beginning.

Weekend Update (featuring Giselle and Andrew Dismukes and his Puppet Dad)

• Starting off with a string of Trump jokes, none of which are funny.

• Did you know that all Catholic priests are pedophiles?!?? THAT’S THE JOKE!!!!

• Okay, I did get a chuckle from the spelling bee joke.

• Ego is here with a clapter inducing commentary about how “scary” things are now that Trump is back in office. Once you’ve seen one Ego commentary, you’ve pretty much seen them all.

• That pizza-flavored Cinnamon Toast Crunch sounds nasty.

• I loved the audience reaction to the story about there being no shootings in New York City for five whole days.

• Colin randomly shouting “NO!!!” in response to a story about oatmeal was actually pretty funny.

• Been a while since we had a Spirit Airlines joke.

• I love the part with Colin brandishing a gun and warning people not to tackle him on Pop Culture Jeopardy.

• Ah, now here’s Andrew with his “puppet dad”, a puppet designed to look like his father. I remember this being a pretty funny commentary.

• That voice he’s using is hilarious.

• Pretty funny how the puppet calls Andrew the seventh most famous cast member. Apparently, Colin is even lower on that list, only ranking as the sixteenth most famous cast member.

• My words can’t do this justice. Go watch it for yourself.

• Why is it that Andrew is the only cast member who consistently excels on Update? I’ve enjoyed every single one of his commentaries!

Sketch: Dog Run

Dogs interact with each other at the dog park.

• What the fuck is this?!? Am I watching a rejected All That sketch, or is this a routine from a furry convention?

• I guess the “joke” is supposed to be humans doing dog things, but I’m cringing more than I’m laughing. This is kinda creepy, to be honest. Is someone in the writing staff secretly a furry?

• Not even Andrew as an overdramatic Pomeranian was funny.

Musical Performance: “Tomorrow Is a Long Time”

Sketch: Grandma’s Birthday

Fun with CPR.

• Sarah seems to have usurped Kate McKinnon’s spot as the one who gets typecast as old women. Given how bad she’s been lately, I am dreading this sketch…

• As if things couldn’t get any weirder, Marcello’s character in this has the same name as me. When I first saw this, I had to do a double take.

• To her credit, Sarah’s pratfall as she suffers a heart attack is pretty well done.

• No comment on Timotheé reviving Sarah with an enormous fart. Hopefully this isn’t someone’s fetish.

• Bowen and James’ faces after this happens pretty much sum the whole thing up.

• I find it hard to believe that Sarah’s writing has deteriorated to this level. I honestly thought this was a Sublette sketch at first!

• I did like Mikey recoiling in horror at the thought of giving Sarah a kiss after what just happened. This has been one of his best episodes in a while.

• The sketch just kind of ends abruptly with Kenan suffering a heart attack and everyone forgetting about him so they can have cake.

Animation: God

Angels help create the world.

• “An SNL Animated Short”? This is new…

• When was the last time we even had an animated short on SNL? Was it that awful short with the Ninja Turtles as old men that aired during one of the At Home episodes?

• Man, this is one ugly cartoon. I’m not expecting Looney Tunes quality or anything, but couldn’t they have at least gotten someone with a unique style instead of this bootleg 70’s Hanna-Barbera shit?

• The “lolsorandom” humor doesn’t help things, either.

• While it is pretty novel to see animation on SNL again, would it have hurt them to actually make it, you know, funny?

Final thoughts: This episode was a little mixed. The first half had some pretty good stuff in it, but then we had that awful AI sketch and it never recovered after that, with the exception of the puppet on Update. Chalamet did his best as usual, though.

Best sketches: Medcast, New Barista Training, Oedipal Arrangements, Andrew’s Puppet Dad commentary 

Worst sketches: Cold Open, AI Software, Dog Run, Grandma’s Birthday

Next review: Shane Gillis/Tate McRae

This review is dedicated to my sweet kitty cat Cupcake. I’m gonna miss you.

SNL Reviews: Dave Chappelle/GloRilla (1/18/25)

 Today’s Retro Decimator Quote is…

“I’m rather ashamed to admit that I owned Bratz “Boyz” dolls when I was four years old. What? Why are you giving me those funny looks?” (from Selena Gomez/Post Malone, 2022)

Cold Open: MSNBC Report

The news keeps getting interrupted by ridiculous Trump stories.

• Sarah looks downright uncanny as Rachel Maddow. Her voice, however, sounds nothing like her, and the shitty dialogue doesn’t help, either.

• “Woke Sheldon”? Who writes this nonsense?!?

• Ha ha! They just cut to Andrew as Chris Hayes instead of Sarah! Get it? Because Rachel Maddow looks like a man!!!! Herp-a-derp!!!!

• The running “gag” with Marcello as Ari Melber responding with rap lyrics is awful.

• Another baffling attempt at a running gag is this bizarre thing with Stephanie Ruhle (Chloe) flirting with Maddow. I don’t know who this is for, but it certainly isn’t funny.

• Ha ha ha! Trump just mentioned…ugh, the “Rizzler”! It’s funny because he would never do that! Laugh, you sheeple! Laugh!!!!

• This is the only physical appearance JAJ makes in this entire episode! Why do you hate him so much?!??

• *Bowen enters as George Santos and I break into a million pieces* WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!!????????? WHY WHY WHY??!!!???????????? WHY HAVE THEY BROUGHT BACK THIS GODAWFUL “IMPRESSION” AGAIN????? HE’S NOT EVEN IN OFFICE ANYMORE!!!!!!!! I FUCKING HATE BOWEN YANG SO MUCH IT’S UNREAL AREJAUWGRKEJRVRVRBRRMRIEVRFWAL AS DVEJELENRRCRHEIEJEBEVEVEJWOWMWCJEYEUEDNRVEHROEIEVENEEKEU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• *deep breaths* I’m back…sorry about that. I promise not to do that again. It’s just that Bowen Yang really brings out the worst in me.

• TLDR: This show fucking sucks.

Monologue

Dave Chappelle does the longest monologue ever!

• Apparently Lorne wanted Chappelle to host the first episode after the election again, but he refused on the basis that it was “way too soon” to be making jokes about it. I don’t blame him, to be honest. I would have rejected that episode too if I saw that Godawful cold open!

• Dave takes the time to talk about some friends of his who were affected by the awful wildfires in LA, which is a really nice gesture. 

• I like the line about how West Hollywood was unaffected because you can’t burn what’s already flaming.

• I’d honestly forgotten about Luigi Mangione until now, and this episode aired only a few months ago! Just goes to show you how quickly the news changes.

• I even laughed at the line about Trump asking the Mexican relief workers to leave when they’re done putting out the fires.

Sketch: Immigrant Dad Talk Show

Yay! I love recycling!!!

• Was anybody asking for the return of this forgettable sketch from the Ramy Youssef episode? But we have to cater to Marcello’s camwhore fans, so let’s bring this back!!!

• I hadn’t yet reached my breaking point with Marcello when the original sketch aired. That moment is long past us now, and I’m finding his routine even worse in this one.

• That TikTok pun was so hacky.

• More recycling!!!! Mikey is the guest once again, and they do the same joke where he doesn’t know how to greet one of the hosts properly.

• Chappelle is at least having a great time, and he does have a couple funny lines here and there. 

• Are you shitting me? They even do the same overreaction to Mikey kissing his son?!??? This really is just a copy-and-paste sketch. 

• The addition of Chloe as the mother does nothing to help.

• Somehow, that was even worse than the first time they did this sketch. I’m hoping it doesn’t come back, but you never know with this era.

Sketch: Evacuation Alert

A family tries to evacuate during the LA wildfires.

• SNL’s getting good mileage out of the wildfires, I see.

• It saddens me that most of JAJ’s airtime lately has just been his voice or his Trump impression. Why are they so afraid of using this wonderful performer?

• Dave is giving this role his all! I was won over as soon as he smashed the wall containing his secret money vault open.

• Special credit must also go to Ego and Devon, especially Ego, who gives one of her best performances in a long time.

• Out of nowhere, this turns into a blood-spurting sketch when a Bosnian terrorist enters the house and gets shot by Chappelle.

• Chappelle, trying to get his wife to take a thumb drive: “Stick it in your cooch!”

• I like how he randomly has French people hidden in a cupboard.

• This sketch even manages to make Chappelle committing animal abuse funny.

• Ego: “I knew I should have stayed a lesbian like I was in college.”

Musical Performance: “Yeah Glo!”

Weekend Update (featuring Michael Longfellow and Nosferatu)

• That video of Joe Biden getting knocked off of his bike always makes me laugh.

• I don’t know why, but I thought the line about Mark Zuckerberg being a “Puerto Rican gigolo” was pretty funny.

• Che’s joke about a Bill Clinton airship being covered in seamen was juvenile but funny.

• First appearance of Longfellow at the desk in a long time. 

• Today, he’s here to talk about the impending ban of TikTok in America. I personally couldn’t care less because I don’t use TikTok, but let’s see if he can make this entertaining.

• Already a big laugh when he claims that Jesus came from China. As he says, “I thought he was Middle Eastern, but I saw it on a TikTok!”

• “Oh no! China knows I like thicc Latinas!”

• I love the part where he tries to “swipe” Che away like a TikTok video.

• Overall, I still don’t understand why SNL doesn’t give this guy more chances. He’s funnier than either of these bozos!

• Colin tries something different with a new segment called “Hear Me Out”, regarding his thoughts on AI-generated child p0rn. It’s pretty good, to be honest.

• Sarah shows up as Nosferatu. Gee, I wonder what’s gonna happen???

• Oh, wow! She just insulted Colin! What a twist!!!

• It’s official. I am completely over Sarah Sherman. What was once a daring, bizarre performer is now just a trend-chasing hack.

• Despite the horrible way it ended, this Update was pretty solid for the most part once they got away from the political jokes. They even end on a classy note by telling us where we can donate to the victims of the wildfires.

Sketch: Police Station

A man requires help in locating his missing girlfriend.

• Devon’s great night continues.

• Shockingly, this is the first we’ve seen of Kenan in this episode. I didn’t even realize it was him at first when I initially watched this episode. 

• This, in my opinion, is how to properly utilize Kenan at this point of his tenure. He doesn’t talk a whole lot and mostly spends the time making hilarious faces in reaction to what Devon says.

• I like when Devon says that his girlfriend has a beautiful soul in response to Kenan holding up a shoe.

• I like the artist’s depiction of his girlfriend that Bowen draws, looking more like a little girl instead of a presumably older woman.

• I honestly forgot how funny this sketch was. Not even Chappelle’s suspicious absence could ruin my enjoyment.

Musical Performance: “Watchu Kno About Me”, “Let Her Cook”

Film: Pop the Balloon

Silky and Beautiful attend a YouTube dating show.

• Nice use of pretty much the entire female cast. Plus it gives us some nice eye candy.

• Heidi, when discussing why she popped the balloon: “He said he likes to cook, and I really don’t like the smell of food.”

• I like Devon’s Instagram handle: “BigD - LittleP”

• Ashley’s airheaded portrayal of her character is brief, but funny.

• Chappelle and special guest Donnell Rawlings reprise their old Chappelle’s Show roles of Silky Johnson and Beautiful. I have no idea who these characters are, but the fact that one of them is named Silky is already making me laugh. 

• Jane: “I’m sorry, are you some sort of sex trafficker?” Silky Johnson: “I don’t do traffic. I take helicopters, bitch!”

• Great part where Silky hands GloRilla another balloon just so he can pop it in her face.

• Rawlings’ brief appearance as Ashy Larry at the end is a great way to end this sketch, and the episode.

Final thoughts: I really enjoyed that episode. While not as strong as the last time he hosted, this definitely stands out as a bright spot in this awful season. Also, there were surprisingly few sketches here, because of how astronomically long that monologue was.

Best sketches: Monologue, Evacuation Alert, Police Station, Pop the Balloon

Worst sketches: Cold Open, Immigrant Dad Talk Show, Nosferatu commentary 

Next review: Timothee Chalamet

The Beatles Cartoon: A Guide To The Mixes (Seasons 2 & 3)

 Since Seasons 2 & 3 are so short, I decided to put their mixes into one post.

Season 2

“Eight Days A Week”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version is missing the intro.

“Girl”: Mono mix, fades early. This song never became an episode.

“I’m Looking Through You”: US mono mix, minus the false starts at the beginning. Once again, John is incorrectly depicted as the singer.

“Help!”: Stereo mix, uncut. The mono mix has sloppier vocals, and it was that version which appeared in the movie. The sing-a-long version seen in Season 1 has a small edit near the end. This song was used as the theme song for Season 2, complete with a bit of the James Bond parody that precedes it on the American release.

“The Night Before”: Mono mix, the guitar part at the beginning is cut, and so is the solo. This song never became an episode.

“We Can Work It Out”: Mono mix, uncut.

“I’m Down”: Bizarrely, this song is at a lower pitch than it should be. Other than that, it’s the normal mono mix. This song never got a sing-a-long segment.

“Run For Your Life”: Once again, this song is at a lower pitch than it should be. The sing-a-long version also chops off the intro.

“Drive My Car”: Mono mix, uncut. This song was never made into a sing-a-long.

“Yesterday”: Mono mix, intro slightly trimmed. This song was never made into an episode.

“Tell Me What You See”: Mono mix, uncut. This song never got a sing-a-long.

“I Call Your Name”: Mono mix. Note how the cowbell starts right away during the intro. Stereo mixes of this song also have a different guitar.

“She’s A Woman”: US mono mix with extra reverb, uncut. This song was never made into an episode, and later reruns replace it with a repeat of “I Feel Fine”.

“The Word”: Mono mix, shortened. This song was never made into a sing-a-long.

“All My Loving”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long that aired in Season 1 cuts the instrumental break.

“Day Tripper”: Mono mix, uncut. Note how the tambourine briefly goes quiet to hide tape problems. The sing-a-long version is missing the intro.

“Nowhere Man”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version is shortened.

“And I Love Her”: US mono mix. Note how Paul’s vocals are single-tracked for most of this version. This song was never made into an episode.

“Michelle”: Mono mix, heavily shortened. This song never got an episode.

“Paperback Writer”: Mono mix, uncut. Note the different echo at the end of the last verse.

Season 3

“Penny Lane”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version cuts out the trumpet break and part of the final chorus.

“Rain”: Mono mix. The intro, the second chorus, and the backwards vocal part are cut. This song was never made into an episode.

“Strawberry Fields Forever”: Mono mix. The Mellotron intro is missing, and the song ends right before we hear John’s infamous “cranberry sauce”. The sing-a-long version is even shorter, ending before the final verse.

“And Your Bird Can Sing”: Mono mix, uncut. This song was used as the theme song for Season 3.

“Got To Get You Into My Life”: Mono mix, fades early. The sing-a-long version is even shorter.

“Good Day Sunshine”: Mono mix, uncut.

“Ticket To Ride”: Mono mix, uncut. The song can also be heard in several Season 1 episodes, such as “I’ll Be Back”, where the evil mountain men play a screwed up, distorted version of it on stage.

“Taxman”: Stereo mix, countdown cut. Note how the cowbell starts during the second chorus. It starts before that in the mono mix. This song was never made into a sing-a-long.

“Here, There, And Everywhere”: Mono mix, second verse cut. This song was never made into an episode.

“Eleanor Rigby”: Stereo mix, uncut. Note how the ADT accidentally continues into the first verse. Also, you have to laugh at the fact that the episode shows The Beatles playing along with their guitars, even though there is not a single guitar in the song.

“Tomorrow Never Knows”: Stereo mix, uncut. Note the feedback whistle after the backwards guitar break. Speaking of the guitar, the episode depicts it as someone blowing a giant horn, for some reason. This song was never made into a sing-a-long.

“She Said She Said”: Mono mix, shortened. This song was never made into an episode.

“I’ve Just Seen A Face”: Mono mix, uncut. This song was never made into a sing-a-long.

“Wait”: Mono mix, uncut.

“I’m Only Sleeping”: US mono mix. This version is missing a lot of the backwards guitar parts, and, in fact, was released before the song even came out in Britain. Since this is the last episode, there was no sing-a-long made for it.

The Beatles Cartoon: A Guide to the Mixes (Season 1)

 It’s been a long time since I made a post about this show, but I’m on a Beatles kick right now, so let’s do it.

Anyway, one unique thing about the Beatles cartoons is their unusual mixes of each song featured. While the show was in mono, a lot of the songs use their stereo mixes folded down to mono. Others were heavily chopped down for time.

“A Hard Day’s Night”: Mono mix. The instrumental break is missing, though it does appear in the intro for Season 1.

“I Want To Hold Your Hand”: Mono mix, uncut

“Do You Want To Know A Secret”: Mono mix, uncut 

“If I Fell”: Mono mix. Note how John’s intro is single-tracked instead of double-tracked like it is in the stereo version. Unfortunately, the song is heavily butchered, swapping the first and second verse for no apparent reason, and just repeating things willy-nilly.

“Please Mister Postman”: Mono mix, uncut

“Devil In Her Heart”: Mono mix, starts about a minute into the song. The sing-a-long version is uncut.

“Not A Second Time”: Mono mix, instrumental break cut. The sing-a-long version is uncut.

“Slow Down”: Mono mix, heavily shortened. The sing-a-long version is a little longer, but still missing several parts. The instrumental break also plays in the “Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand” episode.

“Baby’s In Black”: Mono mix, cuts off before the instrumental break. The sing-a-long version is uncut.

“Misery”: Mono mix, uncut

“You Really Got A Hold On Me”: Mono mix, mostly uncut. The sing-a-long version is much shorter.

“Chains”: Mono mix, missing the harmonica intro.

“I’ll Get You”: Mono mix, first verse is cut. The sing-a-long version is uncut.

“Honey Don’t”: Mono mix, shortened. The sing-a-long version is also heavily cut.

“Any Time At All”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version is missing the instrumental break.

“Twist And Shout”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version is heavily cut.

“Little Child”: Mono mix, cuts off early. The sing-a-long is uncut. A bit of this song is also played at the end of the “Good Day Sunshine” episode in Season 3.

“I’ll Be Back”: Mono mix, shortened. The sing-a-long version is longer, but still slightly edited.

“Long Tall Sally”: Mono mix, uncut

“I’ll Cry Instead”: US mono mix, which has an extra verse that doesn’t appear in the UK mixes.

“I’ll Follow The Sun”: Mono mix. The final “I’ll Follow The Sun” is repeated a few times for some reason, but is otherwise uncut. This happens in the sing-a-long version too.

“When I Get Home”: US mono mix, uncut. Note how the double-tracking briefly disappears in this version when John sings “til I walk out that door”.

“Everybody’s Trying To Be My Baby”: Mono mix, starts about halfway through the song. The sing-a-long version is missing the instrumental break, which the version in the episode does include.

“I Should Have Known Better”: Mono mix, missing the instrumental break. The sing-a-long version is mostly the same, although it strangely edits a bit from later in the song at the very beginning.

“I’m A Loser”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version shortens the harmonica break.

“I Wanna Be Your Man”: Mono mix, uncut. A funny, sped-up version is also played at the end of the episode.

“Don’t Bother Me”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version is missing the instrumental break.

“No Reply”: Mono mix. Only about half of the song is heard in the episode. The sing-a-long version is mostly intact, except the first instance of “I nearly died” is cut.

“I’m Happy Just To Dance With You”: Mono mix, uncut.

“Mr. Moonlight”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version is missing the organ break. Amusingly, the episode depicts Paul singing instead of John.

“Can’t Buy Me Love”: Mono mix, heavily shortened. The sing-a-long version is mostly intact, except the guitar solo is cut in half.

“It Won’t Be Long”: Mono mix, shortened. The sing-a-long version is even more butchered.

“Anna (Go To Him)”: Mono mix, shortened. The sing-a-long version is missing a bit at the beginning, but is otherwise uncut.

“I Don’t Want To Spoil The Party”: Mono mix, first chorus removed.

“Matchbox”: Mono mix, which you can tell by the way Ringo mumbles “your puppy dog runs”. The version heard in the episode is heavily shortened, while the sing-a-long version is mostly intact.

“Thank You Girl”: Stereo mix, uncut. Note the harmonica which is missing from the mono mix.

“From Me To You”: Stereo mix, uncut. Note the harmonica is absent from the intro.

“Boys”: Mono mix, uncut. There was no sing-a-long made for this episode.

“Dizzy Miss Lizzy”: Mono mix, shortened.

“I Saw Her Standing There”: Mono mix. The guitar solo is mostly cut, while the sing-a-long version cuts it entirely.

“What You’re Doing”: Mono mix, shortened. The sing-a-long version is slightly longer.

“Money (That’s What I Want)”: Mono mix, uncut. There was no sing-a-long made for this episode.

“Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand”: Mono mix, uncut. For obvious reasons, there was no sing-a-long made for this episode.

“She Loves You”. Mono mix, uncut.

“Bad Boy”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version is shortened.

“Tell Me Why”: US mono mix, as John’s vocals are single-tracked. The version in the episode starts abruptly at the vocals, while the sing-a-long version is uncut.

“I Feel Fine”: The US mixes of this song are infamous for their heavy reverb, and it is that version which appears here. The sing-a-long version is missing the feedback intro. A bit of this song is also played at the end of the “Eleanor Rigby” episode in Season 3.

“Hold Me Tight”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version features a unique musical introduction before the song starts.

“Please Please Me”: Stereo mix, uncut. Note John’s vocal fluff in the final chorus, which is unique to the stereo version.

“There’s A Place”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version is missing the harmonica intro.

“Roll Over Beethoven”: Mono mix, uncut. Paul’s “1-2-3-4!!!” from the beginning of “I Saw Her Standing There” is added. George’s rocking guitar intro is missing from the sing-a-long. For some reason, John is depicted as the singer instead of George.

“Rock And Roll Music”: Mono mix, uncut. 

Examining the many versions of Baby Mozart (1998)

 In 1998, Julie Aigner-Clark was riding high off the success of her first video, Baby Einstein. Around that time, she became aware of studies which showed that listening to Mozart supposedly made your baby smarter. While these have since been discredited, she ran with it and decided to make a video testing the theory. 

The Many Versions of Baby Mozart

First Version

Released in February 1998, Baby Mozart is the first of several Baby Einstein videos to focus on the music of a classic composer. As with the previous video, this one was initially distributed by I Think I Can Productions. This was the last release to use this name before Clark's rights to use the name expired.

Something to note about this initial version of the video is the music. This was the first video in the series to have an accompanying soundtrack on CD, and the music is certainly more elaborate than it was last time. However, there is a certain cheapness to the synth in this version, something that would be fixed later down the line.

The scene transitions in this version remain the same as in the previous video. One unique feature found in this version, however, comes after the Castle Pounder scene, where the hand returns to "flush" away the screen, which fits with the next toy being the Rocket Tornado. Sadly, this unique transition was not carried over to the later versions.

At the end of the video is a tutorial called "The Mozart Effect", in which Clark explains the aforementioned theory about Mozart making babies smarter. She ends with this pretty funny line: "It's never too early; Mozart began composing at the tender age of five!"

This version of the video can be found on the initial early 1998 releases. It was also used as the basis of the Japanese and Hebrew versions. An unlicensed Korean version was also released, but the only changes made that version were the addition of Korean text listing each piece of music.

Second Version

The first change to Baby Mozart was relatively minor. In late 1998, all mentions of I Think I Can Productions were replaced with The Baby Einstein Company. The only other change is the removal of a credit mentioning that some of the toys in the video were purchased at The Right Start, a now-defunct store that sold baby products.

This version of the video can be found on all releases from late 1998 to early 2000.

Third Version

In early 2000, Family Home Entertainment bought the distribution rights. Aside from adding their logo to the video, we get the first major change to the video. Around the same time, the CD was rereleased with an updated score. The music now sounds fuller and more polished, and it is this version of the soundtrack that is still sold today. 

Another big change is that The Mozart Effect has been removed, never to be seen again. In addition, all of the visuals have been improved. However, a small error was made when they were updating the credits. Puppeteer Tim Giugni's name has been misspelled as "Tom Guigni". This error will remain unfixed for quite a while.

This version of the video is only seen on early 2000 FHE releases.

Fourth Version

Exactly the same as the previous version, except for the addition of the screen telling us where we can find the toys, and the 2000 Video Tutorial.

This version of the video is only seen on mid 2000 FHE releases.

Fifth Version

This is the version I had growing up. It's almost the same as the previous version, except for the addition of the Toy Chest at the end.

This version of the video is seen on late 2000 to late 2001 FHE releases, as well as the initial DVDs.

Sixth Version

In 2002, after Disney took over the company, all traces of the FHE logo were removed. This is the last release of Baby Mozart to have the 2000 Video Tutorial and the Toy Chest.

This version of the video appears on 2002 releases.

Seventh Version

In this version, the tutorial and Toy Chest are now gone. In addition, the warning screen at the beginning is also removed, so the video now starts on a black screen, which peels up to reveal the drumming bear.

This version of the video is seen on 2003 and early 2004 releases.

Eighth Version

As was the case with Baby Einstein, in 2004, Baby Mozart received its biggest update yet. The transitions are updated again, and Tim Giugni's name is reverted back to its proper spelling…well, only his first name was fixed.

Once again, a lot of toys are replaced in this release. This time, I feel the replacements are even more egregious and poorly implemented. For example, the drumming bear that begins the video is replaced by a stuffed bear which is being puppeteered to drum. It looks really bad and distracting. Later, this same bear is used to replace a bubble-blowing Coca-Cola bear. This is achieved by putting a bubble wand in the bear's paw, and blowing bubbles from behind it.

Continuing the trend of trying to erase Julie Clark's family from the videos, the credits sequence is missing the scenes of young Aspen Clark in the studio playing with the puppets. I don't really understand why they keep doing this. 

This version of the video is found on releases from 2004-2008.

Ninth Version

Unlike the original video, the changes to Baby Mozart didn't stop in 2004. In 2008, to celebrate the video's 10th anniversary, even more changes were made. While it uses the 2004 version as a basis, the changes in this version are much worse.

The most obvious change is the addition of some new puppet segments. The video now starts with a short clip of Baby Mozart the Koala getting ready to conduct, which then transitions into the replacement drumming bear footage. Another clip of him taking a bow is also added after the credits. 

During The Magic Flute section of the video, the scenes of the Divin' Dolphin puppet are now interspersed with stock footage of the ocean. The sequence that follows with the giraffe, rooster, and frog puppets is removed entirely, and replaced by a sort of "ballet" with some of the Baby Einstein puppets. It's fine, but I miss the frog puppet. 😢

Other small changes include the replacement of a picture of bean sprouts with a picture of grapes, and the slideshow of animal pictures is entirely different. The only toy to be replaced in this version is the Happy Starfish, who is replaced by a modern update.

This version of the video is only seen on the 2008 DVD.

Tenth Version/Discovery Kit

The final round of changes is undeniably the most bizarre. In 2010, the franchise was on its last legs, so Disney started releasing new videos as part of packages known as "Discovery Kits". Most of the Discovery Kits were just updated versions of older videos, but some were new. This is not one of them...

This version starts with a quote by Albert Einstein regarding Mozart's music. There is also a new intro with an entirely different logo and cheap looking CGI curtains at the top of the screen. The scene transitions have been redone yet again, making this the third time they've been changed.

A lot of the toys that were replaced in 2004 are back in this version, such as Mr. Buggity Bugget, and the helicopter. Even stranger is that some toys have been replaced for a second time, such as the dolls that appear before The Magic Flute. 

All of the new puppet shows that were added to the 2008 version are gone, meaning that we get to see my favorite frog puppet again!!!! The scene in the credits with Aspen and the puppeteer is mostly restored, albeit with that distracting CGI curtain covering half of the screen. The animal picture slideshow is also redone again, this time with an entirely different song.

Perhaps the most unusual change to this version is the addition of several scenes from Baby Bach. The aforementioned quote from Einstein is followed by Baby Bach footage of a flipping dog toy. This reuse of footage continues throughout the video, and I have to question why. Another Discovery Kit video, Baby Lullaby, also cannibalizes footage from Baby Bach, but that's a story for another day.

Unfortunately, the Discovery Kits were a huge flop that failed to resurrect the series, and they remain the last Baby Einstein videos ever made. Disney sold the company to Kids II in 2013, and things have been quiet for the franchise since then.

This version of the video is only found in the 2010 Discovery Kit.

Up next, I'm going to discuss the various versions of Baby Bach.

Examining the many versions of Baby Einstein/Language Nursery (1997)

 When I was a little baby, one of my favorite activities was watching the many videos of the Baby Einstein series. Those videos really captivated me, and gave me a greater appreciation of classical music. However, little did I know when I was little that there have been many, many, many variations of them over the years. So, I thought I'd do something a little different here to commemorate my 25th birthday (which was like a month ago, but still). Gentlemen, I give you...

The Many Versions of Baby Einstein/Language Nursery (1997)

Back in 1996, a suburban Atlanta mother named Julie Clark was dissatisfied with the poor quality of videos aimed at very young children. Having seen a lot of children's videos from around that time, I can't say I disagree. Her husband was a videographer, and, with the help of six other ladies, each speaking a different language, she released the original Baby Einstein video in early 1997. 

First Version

This is the initial version of the video as seen on the first few releases in 1997/98. The video starts with an informative tutorial at the beginning with Julie Clark. She tells parents how to use the video as clips from it are shown, interspersed with footage of her children. Then, the actual video starts as you'd expect, although one big difference right off the bat is that the company is credited as "I Think I Can Productions". This was apparently the name of an English school in Japan that her husband was teaching at.

Other things to note about this initial version of the video include a completely different Hebrew narrator than the one I remember, and the scene transitions are kind of awkward and cheesy. But there's a certain charm to this version, especially knowing how popular it went on to become despite these production shortcomings.

This version of the video is seen on the initial 1997 releases by I Think I Can Productions and Gymboree. The original Japanese release of the video is also based on this initial version, albeit with the Hebrew parts replaced with Chinese. The Japanese release also bizarrely has a page flip transition at the very end of the tape after the credits are finished.

Second Version

In late 1998, a few changes were made to the video, as, by this point, the sequel, Baby Mozart, had already been released, with a third video on the way. 

The biggest difference in this version is that the Hebrew dialogue has been entirely rerecorded by Iris Zinger, replacing Lynne Albertson from the original version. This may just be nostalgia speaking, but I prefer the Zinger version. She sounds more warm and inviting to me. During the scene of the video where the Hebrew alphabet is recited, Albertson sings in her version, with percussion in the background. Zinger's version is a simple recitation with no music, although the falling noise when the blocks are pushed over remains intact. 

Some other minor changes were also made. For example, the tutorial is moved to the end of the video, and a "Stay Tuned" screen is now in its place. The scene transitions are redone, and a scene near the end of the video where pictures of vegetables are shown has most of the pictures changed to fruit, with the exception of the peas. Lastly, the color and font of the credits are changed from red and blue to orange and green, which they remain in all future versions. 

The video is also now credited to The Baby Einstein Company instead of I Think I Can, as Clark's rights to use that name had run out.

This version of the video is seen on late 1998-early 2000 releases. Starting in early 2000, Family Home Entertainment gained distribution rights to the Baby Einstein series, with parent company Artisan acquiring a stake in the company. As such, early 2000 releases of the video feature the FHE Kids logo.

Third Version

This version of the video is the one that I grew up watching, so it will always be my particular favorite. 

Changes in this version include the removal of the tutorial at the end, although the Stay Tuned screen still mentions it. Instead, we get a new tutorial that begins with Clark reading a passage from the Baby Shakespeare book, before she goes over the various products that have been released by this point. Watching this version of the tutorial really takes me back to my childhood. 

The new tutorial is also preceded by a screen telling us where we can find info about the various toys seen in the video, as well as listing off the other videos in the series.

This version of the video only appears on the mid-2000 FHE release. It also appears on the initial DVD release.

Fourth Version

In late 2000, another big round of changes were made to the video. While no changes were made to the visual content, the audio received a major update. 

To coincide with the recently released Language Nursery CD, the German, Spanish, French, and Japanese narrators were all replaced. While the German narrator (Gabriele Rewis) rerecorded all of her dialogue (except for her two songs), the other three languages have entirely different narrators. It should be noted that the credits were not changed to mention the new narrators, for some reason.

Another addition to this video was the Toy Chest. Around this time, most of the Baby Einstein videos had an additional segment at the end which featured a slideshow of all the featured toys. These segments were really fascinating to me as a child, as it gave me information on who was responsible for making and selling them.

One final change is that the warning screen at the beginning of the video now has Julie Clark's usual narration that was seen on all the other videos around this time.

It should also be noted that, around this time, the title of the video was changed to "Baby Einstein: Language Nursery", although no change was made to the actual video.

This version of the video is seen on all releases from late 2000-late 2001.

Fifth Version

In late 2001, Clark sold her company to Disney, which marked the beginning of a new era for the videos.  

Starting with this release, all references to Family Home Entertainment are removed and replaced with the Walt Disney Home Entertainment logo. Otherwise, the content of the video is mostly the same as the previous version. This is the last version of the video to have the tutorial and Toy Chest at the end, as those had become special features on the DVDs at this point.

This version of the video appears on all releases from 2002.

Sixth Version

Exactly the same as the previous version, except the Toy Chest and tutorial are no longer featured. Also removed is the warning screen, so the video now starts with the opening fanfare over a black screen, which peels up to reveal the jack in the box.

This version of the video appears on all 2003-early 2004 releases.

Seventh Version

In 2004, Disney went back to the videos made before they bought the company and began to change them. All videos from Baby Einstein to Baby Beethoven had some kind of alterations made, but the first few featured the most changes.

There's a lot of differences here, so let's get to it. Firstly, the title of the video was finally changed to Language Nursery, complete with a new intro sequence that no longer matches the music. All of the scene transitions are redone again to look "shinier". The credits are also redone in a thinner font, and the replacement narrators are finally credited.

The biggest change involves the toys. For whatever reason, starting with this release, a lot of the toys have been replaced. For example, the iconic Fisher-Price Rock-a-Stack has been replaced with a similar wooden stacking toy, and the train that reappears throughout the video has been replaced with a smaller one that pulls along freight cars. If I had to guess, I would say that these changes were made for rights issues, and the reason I think that is because both of the featured toys that were made by Fisher-Price (the aforementioned Rock-a-Stack and a musical clock) were replaced. Was there some kind of issue with Fisher-Price that prevented them from using their toys again? 

In addition, there was a minor change made with the Spanish counting segment. In all previous versions, it only went up to 10. From here on out, it goes up to 20 like all of the other languages. This results in a rather sloppy extension of the footage.

Probably the worst change in my opinion has to do with the credits. In between the names, we see footage of Julie Clark's young daughter playing peek-a-boo with her parents. In all previous versions of the video, we could hear their voices encouraging her to play. It's a really sweet way to end the video. Starting with the 2004 version, however, there is complete silence. We still see the girl playing peek-a-boo, but no words come out. Just empty, soul-crushing silence. It's actually kind of creepy.

When my little sister was just a baby, and we were experiencing these videos all over again with her, we made the mistake of borrowing the DVD of this version from our local library. We were all shocked, not only by the replacement voices, but by all of the new toys. And the sad thing is that this seems to be the finalized version of the video. No more changes were made after this, and the video was rereleased one last time in 2008 before Disney sold the company in 2013.

This version of the video can be seen on all releases after 2004.

In conclusion, the first video in the Baby Einstein franchise has had a long history of releases and alterations. If I were to pick one version that I would call the definitive version, I would pick the Mid-2000 FHE release. Not just because it's the one I grew up with, but because it perfectly captures what watching these videos was like back in the day.

Next up, I'm going to go over all of the different versions of Baby Mozart, because there's some interesting differences there as well.

Pepi Longsocks transcript

 Since I couldn't find any SCTV transcripts online, I decided to make one myself!

Announcer: And now, a special afterschool presentation of the classic Bulgarian children's film, Pepi Longsocks.

BULGANIN FLEMSK

primsk

PEPI LONGSOCKS

[Exterior of a little schoolhouse. Several children run out of the building laughing like idiots as the bell rings.]

Eugene Levy: [out-of-sync] Boy, I've long been awaiting the end of school and now it is here!

Andrea Martin: Summer at last!

Rick Moranis: Two months of fun and relaxation!

Everyone: [singing] No more pencils, no more books, no more angry looks from the schoolmaster!

[more laughing]

Catherine O'Hara: Hey! Where's Pepi?

Dave Thomas: He was detained fortunately! When the bell rang he became so excited, he jumped up and cracked the plaster on the ceiling!

Levy: Stupid Pepi! He is so unusual! He is always getting into trouble with his mischievous behavior!

Moranis: We had best leave him here! We are wasting valuable vacation time!

Martin: Josef is right, we should be playing.

O'Hara: Uh-huh. Hey! Let's play jump the weeds!

Levy: Boy, that is a great vacation game! We can use the field behind my father's farmhouse!

Thomas: Yeah, let's go. We can have fun without Pepi Longsocks!

[Everyone goes running off and laughing. A larger boy, Pepi Longsocks (John Candy), emerges from the schoolhouse.]

Pepi: Hey, where is everyone? [He looks around but doesn't see his friends, then kicks a rock and hurts his foot] Ow!

[Pepi throws the rock so hard that it goes flying and hits a passing cyclist]

Cyclist: What the Hell?!?? Augh, my head...

[Later, at Pepi's home, his father (Joe Flaherty) is making dinner]

Father: Ugh, agh, wow, potatoes are hot, baby! Whoa! Agh, oh, they're hot, eat! Eat, Pepi, your mother used to tell you it'd put hair on your upper lip.

Pepi: I am not hungry, Father.

Father: It saddens me when you are not happy, Pepi. Here...[picks up a potato] Here, look! Pepi, heh heh, I'm a potato! Ha ha ha, look at that, I'm a potato!

[silence]

Father: Don't you get it? It's a joke.

Pepi: Yes, Father. It is very funny.

Father: Now as a young boy in Smelsk, I would laugh and laugh when I heard the potato joke.

Pepi: I do not feel like laughing, Father, not even at the potato joke.

Father: Pepi, you are very sad because your friends think that, well, you're unusual.

Pepi: They do not even ask me to play "jump the weeds". I should crush their heads like nuts! Like nuts, I tell you!

Father: Pepi, do you remember the day of the great potato harvest? The sun was shining. It was a beautiful day, we were laughing and laughing, laughing and laughing, and then you, well, then you jumped on the family ox and broke its legs in half.

Pepi: Oh ho ho ho, yes, Father, that was the day Mother spanked me!

Father: Do you remember what you did?

Pepi: Yes, Father, I tossed her out the window, into the woodpile!

Father: Now let me tell you something, Pepi. You possess superpowers and super strength. You must not allow yourself to get angry. Remember, you had ten classmates last year, and now you have but five.

Pepi: You are right, Father. I guess I am unusual. I will go look for my friends. I'll have much fun playing "jump the weeds". Mmm, a potato! Yumyumyumyumyum!!!

Father: Hahahaha, eat that potato! Eat it, Pepi, it's good for you!

[Meanwhile, the children are now in front of a windmill, playing "jump the weeds". They are still laughing and having fun.]

Thomas: Helga, you will never jump that weed, that one there! There!

Levy: Your foot will surely touch it!

O'Hara: You jumped it, Simchak!

Moranis: You are but a girl, everyone knows girls can't jump the weeds like boys can!

Martin: Come on, Helga, show Josef that surely girls are better than boys!

[O'Hara jumps the weeds]

Thomas: Oh, look there, you touched it!

Moranis: Look there, you brushed the weed with your sandal! 

Levy: Ha ha, the proof is rightly in the potato now!

O'Hara: Maybe so, but at least we are having fun on our summer vacation!

Martin: That is true, it really is, especially without...Pepi Longsocks, hahahahahaha!!!

[more laughing]

Levy: Come, let us jump that weed over there!

[The others all follow him. Pepi is then seen pulling a leaf off of a tree, which then falls over.]

Pepi: [waving] Hey Simchak, Olga, hello Dimitri, hey there, Helga and Josef!

Moranis: Oh, no! It's Pepi Longsocks!

Thomas: Say, look at his large frame, I tell you!

Levy: Oh, indeed, and his broad girth!

O'Hara: He's surely unusual!

[more annoying laughter]

Pepi: I brought you some leaves because you are my friends and I am eager to play "jump the weeds" with you!

Levy: We would rather play "jump the weeds" with a pair of oxen!!!

Pepi: Hahahaha, that is funny, although less humorous than the potato joke, ha ha ha ha!

Martin: Go away, Pepi Longsocks!

Thomas: We don't want to play with you, we tell you, ha ha!

Levy: We would frown on it!

Moranis: Summer vacation is almost over!

O'Hara: Ha ha, and you're unusual!!! 

Pepi: You are trying to make me angry, but it will not work, because you are my friends and I don't want to hurl you through the air like a hammer throw, ha ha ha!

Thomas: Go away, Pepi!

Martin: Yes, you look funny, you've got all these things, they are, you look really funny!

Levy: You have spots on your face!

Moranis: Resembling a leopard!

O'Hara: With measles!!!!

[All of this laughter finally proves to be too much for Pepi to handle, so he picks up all of his friends, spins them around, and throws them away, killing them instantly]

Pepi: Ha! Now I have no one to anger me, except my father. But he makes...good potatoes. And I am hungry a lot of the time. So I will have fun playing "jump the weeds" by myself. There's a weed! Over I go, ha ha ha ha! I will jump it again! Here I go, OH!!! Oh, now I am having fun on my summer vacation!

FINSK