Cold Open: A Holiday Message From Dr. Anthony Fauci
Dr. Fauci delivers an important warning about the Omicron variant with the help of the CDC.
• Kate McKinnon makes her “triumphant” return to the show by doing what she loves best: playing a male politician! UGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
• The first words out of her mouth are “I’m BAAAAACK!” Please kill me.
• They do the same routine from the other Fauci cold opens, but even less funny this time.
• Does this episode have it out for me or something? Not only is Kate back, and an artist I hate is the host, but we get the one millionth appearance from that absolutely awful Ted Cruz impression! Stop trying to push him down our throats!!
• A total clunker of a cold open, and sets a bad tone for the rest of the show.
Monologue
Eilish talks about why she used to wear baggy clothing all the time, and what it was like to grow up in the public eye.
• What the fuck is that dress she’s wearing?
• I was excited to see her mom, Maggie Baird, show up. She was a voice actress on this HBO Family show I watched as a kid called “Crashbox”.
• Overall, she didn’t do too badly for a first time host. Not much I can comment about here, though.
Sketch: Christmas Cards
People on Christmas cards talk about stuff.
• *sees premise* Yep, this is a Seidell/Day sketch.
• The first card we see has some really broad Christian stereotypes. They all have blond hair, and they have six children (with a seventh on the way).
• Chris Redd as the pregnant lady’s husband delivered his lines perfectly.
• I’m very pleased that Pete didn’t use a cartoonish accent for his Wisconsin card.
• Unsurprisingly, Asian Terry Sweeney plays a gay guy. His partner is Kenan, who thankfully does a different voice than the one I’m tired of.
• Random out of nowhere Miley Cyrus cameo. I honestly thought it was Eilish impersonating her at first, because she looks so odd in this.
• Miley: “This woman came up to my table and said, ‘You’re Hannah Montana!’, and then said that she hated my music.”
• You know things are bad when a friggin’ Miley Cyrus cameo is the most I laughed at a sketch.
• Aristotle’s cheerful delivery of his line about cheating on his wife was great.
• Andrew Dismukes is perfectly cast as an “incel” type character. His voice seems a little hoarse tonight, though.
• Oh, I almost forgot to mention how good Eilish is as Melissa’s high school rival.
• Not as bad as I remembered, but still far from anything special.
Sketch: TikTok
HOW DO YOU DO, FELLOW KIDS????
• I groaned as soon as I saw this sketch was about TikTok. I used to think Vine was a shitty website (don’t get me wrong, it was), but it’s pure gold compared to this.
• The voice Fineman does in her scene gives me Kristen Wiig vibes, which is NOT a good thing.
• Poor Rachel Dratch is wasted in a pointless cameo where she does the dumbest dance I’ve ever seen.
• Eilish’s brother, Finneas, also makes an appearance, but who gives a shit about him?
• The only laugh I got from this was the brief Homer Simpson ASMR bit. It’s hard to tell who’s playing him because of the makeup, but I think it’s JAJ, based on the impression he did in the previous episode.
• I felt sorry for Aristotle having to play a comedian that gets heckled by someone who tells him he sucks. A perfect summary for the way he’s been treated this season.
• Normally, I’d be happy to see Alex Moffat wearing a mustache again, but why did it have to be in this sketch?
• Overall, except for that one scene, not a single laugh to be found here. I was very surprised to find out that the Please Don’t Destroy guys were responsible for this.
Sketch: Hip-Hop Nativity
In which they make a gross mockery of the Nativity.
• I had very little faith in this when I saw it was about the Nativity. This can only lead to some anti-Christian nonsense.
• Dismukes has had a busy night so far. Thankfully, his voice sounds a little better now.
• Seeing white people try to do a “pimp walk” is pure visual cancer.
• I never wanted to hear Heidi say “baby daddy” in my life, but I got it anyway.
• My mind just about melted when they started shaking their asses. Then I thought I was going to throw up when Andrew dropped his robe to reveal a diaper.
• Heidi screws up her line upon seeing the diaper. The online version does not fix this.
• And then…they make him twerk. You heard right. They make our Lord and Savior, Jesus Himself, do a sexual dance as a baby. What is wrong with these people?!!???
• To add insult to injury, the actress playing Mary has to…get on a stripper pole. Luckily, she doesn’t actually do so, but the very idea that they wanted a representation of the Holy Mother to act like a stripper is pure blasphemy.
• Hands down, this is definitely one of the worst sketches I have ever seen on this show. It is pure Satanic filth.
Film: Lonely Christmas
This sketch isn’t on YouTube due to the use of a song by The Smiths. Thank goodness for that, because I remember it being nothing but a Kate McKinnon mugfest.
Musical Performance: “Happier Than Ever”
• Billie’s parents introduce the song, and her brother returns to perform it with her. I guess you could call it…*puts on sunglasses* A family affair. YEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!
Weekend Update (featuring Punkie Johnson and Andrew Dismukes)
• Colin’s slam at Jussie Smollett for being a very bad actor made me laugh out loud! None of the other jokes were as good as that, unfortunately.
• The phrase “anime convention” is something I never thought I would hear come out of Michael Che’s mouth.
• Punkie’s back at the Update desk with some tips about how to spend the holidays with your family. Let’s see if this commentary is as good as the last one she did.
• I like it when cast members talk about their families, like what Punkie’s doing here. There’s an amusing story she tells about her crazy uncle still refusing to accept that she’s a lesbian.
• Some amusement from her not wanting a female baby because she’s afraid it’ll turn out to be straight.
• Punkie knocked it out of the park again with this commentary! It seems like only the newer cast members are still any good at commentaries. Whenever someone older like Kenan or Kate is at the desk, it always sucks.
• Speaking of newer cast members, Andrew Dismukes is our next visitor to the desk, and he’s wearing some weird animal makeup. This is because it’s time for “Andy’s Amazing Animals”, where he shows us some animal friends of his. I’m getting a Brian Fellow vibe from this.
• When Andrew brings out the tank with his first animal in it, you can briefly see someone’s head behind the desk. I assume this is the puppeteer for the animals.
• This commentary takes a bizarre turn when the octopus writes out “You will die in seven days”, instead of predicting who’s going to win a football game.
• While I’m kind of iffy about this premise, Andrew is totally selling it with his performance.
• The routine is then repeated with another animal, and it isn’t as funny anymore.
• Overall, the commentary was still okay. Andrew is really coming into his own this season.
Sketch: The Night I Met Santa
Some ladies sing about a weird encounter they had with Santa.
• Ugh, here’s something I haven’t missed at all: Kate McKinnon singing!
• I will admit, though, the 40s musical trio vibe this is trying to go for is nice.
• All three ladies look really sexy in those sparkly dresses.
• The lyrics suck, but that’s normal for these kinds of sketches.
• Kenan has had a really quiet night by his standards. Here, he gets to play Santa again, a role which I feel he always does really well as. Also, that high note he delivers is really damn impressive. I didn’t know he had it in him.
• While I liked what this was going for, it left a lot to be desired.
Film: Kyle’s Holiday
Kyle wants to do something with his fellow cast mates for Christmas, but nobody seems to be interested.
• It’s been a while since they did one of these backstage films with Kyle. The last one I can think of was in the Issa Rae episode from last season.
• I chuckled at Kyle messing up “God bless us, everyone” by saying it was a quote from “Tiny Tom”.
• His scene with Bowen was nice and awkward, unintentionally offending him when he comes up with a hypothetical situation where Bowen’s parents’ plane crashes on their way to visit.
• I’m actually feeling a little sorry for Kyle here. It brings back memories of my childhood where I was left out of everything for being too weird, and all of the times I’ve offended someone by accident.
• Kyle gets so desperate for someone to hang out with that he resorts to asking writer’s assistant Jacob Kaplan, but even he is visiting family for the holidays.
• He brings up how the Please Don’t Destroy guys told him that he shouldn’t be alive. Maybe they’re just bitter that their sketch got cut from the episode AGAIN. But more on that later…
• More sad (but funny) reminiscences from Kyle about the other cast members, such as Kenan, who still calls him “Beck Bennett”, and Heidi and Ego, who don’t follow him on Instagram. This is accompanied by footage of them, such as a What Up With That? clip for Kenan, that Freddy Krueger commentary for Heidi, and a Dionne Warwick bit for Ego.
• Things suddenly turn creepy when Kyle reveals the cast member who brings him the least joy: Mikey Day. He describes a terrifying (but funny) fantasy he’s had about locking Mikey up and stealing all of his characters.
• Of course, immediately after this, Mikey walks by, and Billie tells him to get away from the show before it’s too late.
• We end with a Happy Holidays greeting from “all of our favorite Kyle Mooney characters”, which are just pictures of Mikey’s characters (Matt Schatt, Don Jr, “Flustered Customer”, and the soldier from those War in Words sketches) with Kyle’s face pasted on them.
• Probably the best sketch of the night. It was already good to begin with, but the Mikey stuff at the end made it unforgettable.
Musical Performance: “Male Fantasy”
• Epic fail from Kate mispronuncing our host’s name as “Billie Ellish” during her introduction.
Sketch; Business Garden Inn & Suites
A hotel that caters to those who are traveling to non-luxurious events.
• Something else I haven’t missed from McKinnon are these retarded ad parodies she keeps appearing in.
• Super lame names for Kate and Billie’s characters. In case you care, it’s “Kathreen” and “Kathlyn”, respectively. Unsurprisingly, Kent Sublette is credited as one of this sketch’s writers.
• Damn, this sketch is so goddamn slow. It doesn’t help that the two of them are speaking as blandly as possible, and Billie keeps messing up her lines for some reason.
• My only laugh came from a TripAdvisor review that describes the hotel as “a stock photo you can sleep in”.
Cut for Time: Future Selves
The PDD guys are visited by their future selves, who warn them of disasters.
• Second episode in a row where the PDD sketch is cut out. There was also another Angelo sketch that was removed, but why would I bother with that shit again?
• The special effect of the future versions jumping out of their portal was unintentionally hilarious.
• I feel like I recognize the actors playing the future guys, but my mind is drawing a blank right now. I do like that the future version of Ben Marshall has a tiny bit of red hair remaining so that we can tell it’s him.
• Future John Higgins having an inexplicable Italian accent is amazing.
• The future guys can’t take their past selves’ stupidity anymore, so they leave. They offer one final message: “LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!” The guys’ reaction to this is priceless.
• Another slam dunk for the PDD crew. It’s really sad that these guys keep getting cut out.
Final thoughts: Well, in our first episode with Kate McKinnon back, the cracks are already starting to show. It’s not a coincidence that most of the weakest sketches in this episode happened to feature her in them. As for Eilish, she didn’t do too badly as a host. While her inexperience in acting was somewhat obvious, she managed to get through the whole show without any major mishaps.
Best sketches: Punkie’s commentary, Kyle’s Holiday, Future Selves (Cut)
Worst sketches: Cold Open, TikTok, Hip-Hop Nativity, Lonely Christmas, Business Garden Inn & Suites
Next review: I tackle one of the most bizarre episodes in SNL history…the episode “hosted” by Paul Rudd.
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