Cold Open: Cruz Street
Ted Cruz introduces his new show on Newsmax Kids.
• Jesus Christ, I’ve been dreading to watch this sketch again…
• Already a big groan from one of the shows on Newsmax Kids being “White Power Rangers”. Get it? Cuz everyone who watches this channel is a racist!
• Lord have mercy! That horrible Ted Cruz impression is back for the one millionth time. Why do they keep trying to force this nonsense down out throats? Literally no one likes it!
• The fact that this is a “parody” of Sesame Street makes me die inside. As I’ve said before, The Muppets are a huge part of my childhood, and I absolutely hate it when people disrespect them like this.
• I fucking hate the “parody” of the theme song. The cast members that are playing the children seem embarrassed to be doing it.
• An unwelcome return from Cecily Taylor Greene, carrying a gun like a hot action movie babe. Because…random?
• My God, all of the dialogue is so on the nose and obvious. After Greene espouses a ridiculous theory about JFK Jr. being alive, they have Cruz say “Everything about that sounds right.” You know, because those CRAAAAZY Republicans will believe anything!
• We then get the worst Big Bird impression ever, played by Kyle Mooney. Just hearing Big Bird talk about his enlarged testicles and how his “doink” doesn’t work made my childhood memories shatter into pieces. Also, “doink”? Really? How old are these people?
• Pete Davidson plays the worst Joe Rogan impression ever (seems to be a theme here). What “biting” lines does he have to say? “I used to host Fear Factor, but now doctors fear me!” I half expected him to follow that up with “What a country!”, because that’s how hacky SNL’s jokes have gotten lately.
• Alex and Mikey play Bert and Ernie again, after previously playing them in that great “Grouch” film from Season 45. I admired that they didn’t do a predictable “LOL GAY!” joke with them there. Unfortunately, that is not the case here, as all of their lines are about how gay they are, while Cruz misinterprets their statements to be about…*sigh*…the Proud Boys.
• The only bright spot here is Chris Redd’s brief appearance as “Oscar the Slouch”, a sleazy guy in a trash can. I don’t know, I just love it when Redd plays characters like that.
• What better way to end a terrible sketch than with a terrible impression? Fineman’s awful Britney impression is back, and it still hasn’t improved.
• This poor attempt at satire earned a lot of criticism from both sides of the aisle. I’m glad I’m not alone.
Monologue
Jonathan Majors talks about how he grew up in the military, and the moment he found out he was hosting SNL.
• This guy’s accent is so thick that I can barely understand him.
• Not sure if I get the Red Lobster jokes.
• Lame joke about how black people call Ant-Man “Not Black Panther”.
• And then he ends it with another lame Ant-Man joke.
• A really boring monologue, but compared to the horrors of the cold open, it was brilliant.
Sketch: The March of the Suitors
A group of eligible suitors hope to win the Queen’s hand in marriage.
• Uh-oh, the sketch starts with “We now return to”. This is gonna suck…
• Super lame title for an upcoming show about Hitler’s waiters: “Pardon My Reich”.
• I love whenever Mikey speaks in a British accent. Mostly because he can never seem to get them right.
• Chloe Fineman surprisingly plays the Queen like a normal person, and doesn’t do a “funny” voice.
• I kind of liked Kyle’s character, an awkward man who thinks the Queen will take him even though she’s always told him she doesn’t like him in that way.
• A genuinely funny part where she sends him away just as he starts singing an apparently dirty song about strawberries.
• Remember what I said earlier about how pleased I was that Fineman didn’t do an annoying cartoony voice here? Well, Cecily didn’t get the memo. She plays her character with the most stereotypical and cartoonish British accent I’ve ever heard.
• Andrew Dismukes plays Cecily’s son, another prospective suitor. He proves how qualified he is by dropping his pants and showing off his dick (thankfully this is off screen). I was enjoying how the season started off by not relying on dick jokes too much, but now it seems like we’re back to them in full force.
• Majors enters the room wearing some ridiculous bone armor. He thrusts his crotch forward to demonstrate how much pleasure he gives to women. Now there’s an actually funny dick joke.
• Then it’s revealed that Majors’ character isn’t really single when his wife (Ego) shows up asking why he’s acting like a dumbass in front of royalty.
• This sketch was kinda iffy at first, but then Ego’s character saved it, and I’d have to call it an overall strong sketch.
Please Don’t Destroy: Three Sad Virgins
Pete Davidson raps about the PDD guys, with help from Taylor Swift.
• Wow, a PDD sketch this early in the show? There must be a catch…
• Ugh, I knew it was too good to be true. Pete Davidson suddenly enters their office. I felt kind of sad for these guys when Pete tells them how great their films are, when most of them have been cut before airtime.
• Unfortunately, this turns out to be another self-indulgent Pete Davidson rap video. The PDD guys are in it too, but the song is all about how pathetic they are.
• What kinds of scathing insults does he have for them? Umm, one of them has a red penis tip…and…another one smells…like farts. Yeah….
• Ben Marshall looks depressed having to dress up like the Wendy’s mascot. I know it’s probably just acting, but he sounds like he’s serious to me.
• Random appearance by tonight’s musical guest, Taylor Swift, who sings some lines of her own.
• Definitely the worst PDD we’ve had so far. It’s also (as of January 2022) the last time they’ve made it into the live show. Hmm, I don’t think it’s just a coincidence that all of the times they’ve made the live show happened while Kate was absent.
Sketch: Audacity in Advertising Awards
Jake from State Farm (Majors) and Flo from Progressive (Heidi Gardner) host this year’s edition.
• I’m already weary of this concept, given SNL’s bad track record with award shows.
• Heidi’s Flo is downright uncanny. I thought it was the real Flo at first!
• Majors does okay as Jake from State Farm.
• JAJ has been fairly quiet in this episode so far. But he makes up for that by giving a great intentionally bad performance as a crying father. Even better is when the commercial he’s in turns out to be for Facebook.
• Majors’ response to the above ad: “Wow, that must have sold a lot of Facebooks.”
• A brief laugh from the name of another nomination: “Don’t You Make Landmines?”
• The BP ad’s “official” title is hilarious.
• My biggest laugh came from an ad featuring two lesbians getting married in prison, which is supposed to be a Sargento ad.
• Big night for Dismukes. He plays an intern who’s accepting the award on behalf of BP.
• I was howling at the “in memoriam” segment for companies that went out of business in 2021, all of which have bizarre sexual names like “Boopi”, “Titi” and “Fupa TV”.
• Great appearance by Limu Emu and Doug, from those annoying Liberty Mutual commercials. Alex does a great job as Doug, while Limu is represented by a hilarious puppet. For some bizarre reason, Doug is only referred to as Limu’s “Human Friend”. Did the writers not realize that he actually has a name?
• Great ending, where the announcer plugs an upcoming performance of the Kars4Kids jingle.
• This was pretty good for an award show sketch.
Sketch: Strange Kid Tales
A show where parents share their kids’ creepy stories.
• A super lame “You’re watching (insert channel here)” joke at the beginning.
• I can already tell I’m gonna hate this, because Kenan is doing that voice for the one millionth time.
• Kenan is so annoying in this sketch. That’s something never thought I would have to say about him, but he really has gotten that bad. All of the one-liners he keeps shouting while the families are trying to tell their stories annoyed me more than they amused me. Maybe it would have made me laugh in 2015, back when he hadn’t gotten stale yet.
• They should’ve gotten Chris Redd to play Kenan’s character. I can see him making those one-liners work.
• That one kid’s flat delivery of the line “I died” was funny, but it gets followed by Kenan acting like an offensive stereotype.
• And we end with Pete Davidson mugging for the camera. UGGGHHH!!!!
Film: Man Park
It’s like a dog park…but for MEN!!!!
• An initial laugh from Pete randomly telling his wife that Vin Diesel has a twin brother.
• I’m finding this more tolerable than I remembered. The concept isn’t that bad, and the performances are good.
• I like how Kyle’s attempt at conversing with two other guys is just him saying “Marvel”. But luckily for him, the guys know what he’s talking about and they all start saying it.
• There are some actors in this I don’t recognize, such as a fat bald guy with a beard. Who is he?
• A nice callback to the Vin Diesel thing from earlier, except the guy Pete’s talking to is much more receptive.
• That was a lot better than I remembered.
Musical Performance: “All Too Well”
• This is one of the longest performances in SNL history, clocking in at about ten or so minutes. Because of its length, this is the only performance in this episode.
Weekend Update (featuring Sarah Sherman and the Laughintosh 3000)
• I’m sure you guys have noticed that I haven’t really brought up the Update “jokes” in my last few reviews. Well, the reason for that is because there’s nothing left for me to say about these two. I am officially tired of them. SNL should start looking for new anchors soon.
• Sarah Sherman gets her first Update commentary, in which she roasts Colin.
• An initial laugh from the fake image she shows of Colin looking at a woman’s breasts.
• I have to say, I love this girl’s energy! Enjoy it while it lasts, Sarah. Once Kate comes back, you won’t have much time to shine.
• The best of the fake pictures is the last one, where Colin’s eyes and tongue are popping out of his head like a cartoon character.
• I groaned so loud at the “Giraffrey Dahmer” joke.
• Another newbie, Aristotle Athari, also has his first commentary. He plays a robotic comedian named “The Laughintosh 3000”, complete with heavy makeup to make him look metallic. This looks promising…
• The voice he’s using is amazing, full of odd enunciations of words, and robotic stuttering. As a Max Headroom fan, I like that attention to detail.
• I like the part where he gets cut off right when he’s about to tell a racist joke.
• He does impressions too, but not of celebrities. Instead he does ones of Instagram and Tinder.
• I find it funny how the only non-robotic punchlines he seems to know are Staten Island related. An unintentional dig at Pete Davidson?
• For someone who’s never done a commentary before, Athari knocked it right out of the park.
Sketch: Broadway Benefit
Hijinks ensue at a Broadway benefit show.
• While boasting some nice choreography, this sketch was a pain to get through. I never wanted to hear Asian Terry Sweeney sing.
Film: Bone Thugs-N-Harmony’s Dog Bones-N-Melodies
A new pet store owned by the rap group Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.
• Um…what a concept.
• I have no idea who this group is, but I’ll try to keep an open mind.
• I don’t think I’ve ever seen Ego in drag before. I guess it was necessary, though, because all the male black guys in the cast (plus our host) are playing the other roles.
• This sounds like a really dumb idea, but there’s something about it that the cast is making work.
• Kenan’s wig is hilarious. I don’t know how he can wear that without laughing.
• A lot better than I remembered.
Sketch; Pastor Announcement
A pastor and his wife make a surprising announcement during church services.
• Ugh, the first thing we hear is THAT VOICE from Kenan.
• Aidy cheerfully announcing that she got a facelift was good for a chuckle.
• Majors and Ego are doing a great job as the leads. Have I told you how much I love Ego?
• When Chris Redd asks them to clarify what an “open” marriage is, and if he’s had one, I like Majors bluntly telling him that he was actually cheating. And then Redd’s wife (Punkie Johnson) is shown to be sitting right next to him.
• Another great awkward character from Kyle.
• At least the other characters are treating Kenan like shit.
• Another sketch that was better this time around.
No Cut for Time sketch in this episode, for some reason.
Final thoughts: After a couple of surprisingly good shows, we’re back to another mixed bag. The good stuff in this episode was really good, but the bad stuff was downright horrendous. At least the fresh feeling this season has is still here. Too bad we’ve only got one left before Kate returns.
Best sketches: Adversity in Advertising Awards, Man Park, Laughintosh 3000 commentary, Pastor Announcement
Worst sketches: Cold Open, Three Sad Virgins, Strange Kid Tales
Next episode: Simu Liu/Saweetie
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