Today’s Retro Decimator Quote is…
“I’m rather ashamed to admit that I owned Bratz “Boyz” dolls when I was four years old. What? Why are you giving me those funny looks?” (from Selena Gomez/Post Malone, 2022)
Cold Open: MSNBC Report
The news keeps getting interrupted by ridiculous Trump stories.
• Sarah looks downright uncanny as Rachel Maddow. Her voice, however, sounds nothing like her, and the shitty dialogue doesn’t help, either.
• “Woke Sheldon”? Who writes this nonsense?!?
Since Seasons 2 & 3 are so short, I decided to put their mixes into one post.
Season 2
“Eight Days A Week”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version is missing the intro.
“Girl”: Mono mix, fades early. This song never became an episode.
“I’m Looking Through You”: US mono mix, minus the false starts at the beginning. Once again, John is incorrectly depicted as the singer.
“Help!”: Stereo mix, uncut. The mono mix has sloppier vocals, and it was that version which appeared in the movie. The sing-a-long version seen in Season 1 has a small edit near the end. This song was used as the theme song for Season 2, complete with the James Bond parody that precedes it on the American release.
“The Night Before”: Mono mix, the guitar part at the beginning is cut, and so is the solo. This song never became an episode.
“We Can Work It Out”: Mono mix, uncut.
“I’m Down”: Bizarrely, this song is at a lower pitch than it should be. Other than that, it’s the normal mono mix. This song never got a sing-a-long segment.
“Run For Your Life”: Once again, this song is at a lower pitch than it should be. The sing-a-long version also chops off the intro.
“Drive My Car”: Mono mix, uncut. This song was never made into a sing-a-long.
“Yesterday”: Mono mix, intro slightly trimmed. This song was never made into an episode.
“Tell Me What You See”: Mono mix, uncut. This song never got a sing-a-long.
“I Call Your Name”: Mono mix. Note how the cowbell starts right away during the intro. Stereo mixes of this song also have a different guitar.
“She’s A Woman”: US mono mix with extra reverb, uncut. This song was never made into an episode, and later reruns replace it with a repeat of “I Feel Fine”.
“The Word”: Mono mix, shortened. This song was never made into a sing-a-long.
“All My Loving”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long that aired in Season 1 cuts the instrumental break.
“Day Tripper”: Mono mix, uncut. Note how the tambourine briefly goes quiet to hide tape problems. The sing-a-long version is missing the intro.
“Nowhere Man”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version is shortened.
“And I Love Her”: US mono mix. Note how Paul’s vocals are single-tracked for most of this version. This song was never made into an episode.
“Michelle”: Mono mix, heavily shortened. This song never got an episode.
“Paperback Writer”: Mono mix, uncut. Note the different echo at the end of the last verse.
Season 3
“Penny Lane”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version cuts out the trumpet break and part of the final chorus.
“Rain”: Mono mix. The intro, the second chorus, and the backwards vocal part are cut. This song was never made into an episode.
“Strawberry Fields Forever”: Mono mix. The Mellotron intro is missing, and the song ends right before we hear John’s infamous “cranberry sauce”. The sing-a-long version is even shorter, ending before the final verse.
“And Your Bird Can Sing”: Mono mix, uncut. This song was used as the theme song for Season 3.
“Got To Get You Into My Life”: Mono mix, fades early. The sing-a-long version is even shorter.
“Good Day Sunshine”: Mono mix, uncut.
“Ticket To Ride”: Mono mix, uncut. The song can also be heard in several Season 1 episodes, such as “I’ll Be Back”, where the evil mountain men play a screwed up, distorted version of it on stage.
“Taxman”: Stereo mix, countdown cut. Note how the cowbell starts during the second chorus. It starts before that in the mono mix. This song was never made into a sing-a-long.
“Here, There, And Everywhere”: Mono mix, second verse cut. This song was never made into an episode.
“Eleanor Rigby”: Stereo mix, uncut. Note how the ADT accidentally continues into the first verse. Also, you have to laugh at the fact that the episode shows The Beatles playing along with their guitars, even though there is not a single guitar in the song.
“Tomorrow Never Knows”: Stereo mix, uncut. Note the feedback whistle after the backwards guitar break. Speaking of the guitar, the episode depicts it as someone blowing a giant horn, for some reason. This song was never made into a sing-a-long.
“She Said She Said”: Mono mix, shortened. This song was never made into an episode.
“I’ve Just Seen A Face”: Mono mix, uncut. This song was never made into a sing-a-long.
“Wait”: Mono mix, uncut.
“I’m Only Sleeping”: US mono mix. This version is missing a lot of the backwards guitar parts, and, in fact, was released before the song even came out in Britain. Since this is the last episode, there was no sing-a-long made for it.
It’s been a long time since I made a post about this show, but I’m on a Beatles kick right now, so let’s do it.
Anyway, one unique thing about the Beatles cartoons is their unusual mixes of each song featured. While the show was in mono, a lot of the songs use their stereo mixes folded down to mono. Others were heavily chopped down for time.
“A Hard Day’s Night”: Mono mix. The instrumental break is missing, though it does appear in the intro for Season 1.
“I Want To Hold Your Hand”: Mono mix, uncut
“Do You Want To Know A Secret”: Mono mix, uncut
“If I Fell”: Mono mix. Note how John’s intro is single-tracked instead of double-tracked like it is in the stereo version. Unfortunately, the song is heavily butchered, swapping the first and second verse for no apparent reason, and just repeating things willy-nilly.
“Please Mister Postman”: Mono mix, uncut
“Devil In Her Heart”: Mono mix, starts about a minute into the song. The sing-a-long version is uncut.
“Not A Second Time”: Mono mix, instrumental break cut. The sing-a-long version is uncut.
“Slow Down”: Mono mix, heavily shortened. The sing-a-long version is a little longer, but still missing several parts. The instrumental break also plays in the “Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand” episode.
“Baby’s In Black”: Mono mix, cuts off before the instrumental break. The sing-a-long version is uncut.
“Misery”: Mono mix, uncut
“You Really Got A Hold On Me”: Mono mix, mostly uncut. The sing-a-long version is much shorter.
“Chains”: Mono mix, missing the harmonica intro.
“I’ll Get You”: Mono mix, first verse is cut. The sing-a-long version is uncut.
“Honey Don’t”: Mono mix, shortened. The sing-a-long version is also heavily cut.
“Any Time At All”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version is missing the instrumental break.
“Twist And Shout”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version is heavily cut.
“Little Child”: Mono mix, cuts off early. The sing-a-long is uncut. A bit of this song is also played at the end of the “Good Day Sunshine” episode in Season 3.
“I’ll Be Back”: Mono mix, shortened. The sing-a-long version is longer, but still slightly edited.
“Long Tall Sally”: Mono mix, uncut
“I’ll Cry Instead”: US mono mix, which has an extra verse that doesn’t appear in the UK mixes.
“I’ll Follow The Sun”: Mono mix. The final “I’ll Follow The Sun” is repeated a few times for some reason, but is otherwise uncut. This happens in the sing-a-long version too.
“When I Get Home”: US mono mix, uncut. Note how the double-tracking briefly disappears in this version when John sings “til I walk out that door”.
“Everybody’s Trying To Be My Baby”: Mono mix, starts about halfway through the song. The sing-a-long version is missing the instrumental break, which the version in the episode does include.
“I Should Have Known Better”: Mono mix, missing the instrumental break. The sing-a-long version is mostly the same, although it strangely edits a bit from later in the song at the very beginning.
“I’m A Loser”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version shortens the harmonica break.
“I Wanna Be Your Man”: Mono mix, uncut. A funny, sped-up version is also played at the end of the episode.
“Don’t Bother Me”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version is missing the instrumental break.
“No Reply”: Mono mix. Only about half of the song is heard in the episode. The sing-a-long version is mostly intact, except the first instance of “I nearly died” is cut.
“I’m Happy Just To Dance With You”: Mono mix, uncut.
“Mr. Moonlight”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version is missing the organ break. Amusingly, the episode depicts Paul singing instead of John.
“Can’t Buy Me Love”: Mono mix, heavily shortened. The sing-a-long version is mostly intact, except the guitar solo is cut in half.
“It Won’t Be Long”: Mono mix, shortened. The sing-a-long version is even more butchered.
“Anna (Go To Him)”: Mono mix, shortened. The sing-a-long version is missing a bit at the beginning, but is otherwise uncut.
“I Don’t Want To Spoil The Party”: Mono mix, first chorus removed.
“Matchbox”: Mono mix, which you can tell by the way Ringo mumbles “your puppy dog runs”. The version heard in the episode is heavily shortened, while the sing-a-long version is mostly intact.
“Thank You Girl”: Stereo mix, uncut. Note the harmonica which is missing from the mono mix.
“From Me To You”: Stereo mix, uncut. Note the harmonica is absent from the intro.
“Boys”: Mono mix, uncut. There was no sing-a-long made for this episode.
“Dizzy Miss Lizzy”: Mono mix, shortened.
“I Saw Her Standing There”: Mono mix. The guitar solo is mostly cut, while the sing-a-long version cuts it entirely.
“What You’re Doing”: Mono mix, shortened. The sing-a-long version is slightly longer.
“Money (That’s What I Want)”: Mono mix, uncut. There was no sing-a-long made for this episode.
“Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand”: Mono mix, uncut. For obvious reasons, there was no sing-a-long made for this episode.
“She Loves You”. Mono mix, uncut.
“Bad Boy”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version is shortened.
“Tell Me Why”: US mono mix, as John’s vocals are single-tracked. The version in the episode starts abruptly at the vocals, while the sing-a-long version is uncut.
“I Feel Fine”: The US mixes of this song are infamous for their heavy reverb, and it is that version which appears here. The sing-a-long version is missing the feedback intro. A bit of this song is also played at the end of the “Eleanor Rigby” episode in Season 3.
“Hold Me Tight”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version features a unique musical introduction before the song starts.
“Please Please Me”: Stereo mix, uncut. Note John’s vocal fluff in the final chorus, which is unique to the stereo version.
“There’s A Place”: Mono mix, uncut. The sing-a-long version is missing the harmonica intro.
“Roll Over Beethoven”: Mono mix, uncut. Paul’s “1-2-3-4!!!” from the beginning of “I Saw Her Standing There” is added. George’s rocking guitar intro is missing from the sing-a-long. For some reason, John is depicted as the singer instead of George.
“Rock And Roll Music”: Mono mix, uncut.
In 1998, Julie Aigner-Clark was riding high off the success of her first video, Baby Einstein. Around that time, she became aware of studies which showed that listening to Mozart supposedly made your baby smarter. While these have since been discredited, she ran with it and decided to make a video testing the theory.
The Many Versions of Baby Mozart
First Version
Released in February 1998, Baby Mozart is the first of several Baby Einstein videos to focus on the music of a classic composer. As with the previous video, this one was initially distributed by I Think I Can Productions. This was the last release to use this name before Clark's rights to use the name expired.
Something to note about this initial version of the video is the music. This was the first video in the series to have an accompanying soundtrack on CD, and the music is certainly more elaborate than it was last time. However, there is a certain cheapness to the synth in this version, something that would be fixed later down the line.
The scene transitions in this version remain the same as in the previous video. One unique feature found in this version, however, comes after the Castle Pounder scene, where the hand returns to "flush" away the screen, which fits with the next toy being the Rocket Tornado. Sadly, this unique transition was not carried over to the later versions.
At the end of the video is a tutorial called "The Mozart Effect", in which Clark explains the aforementioned theory about Mozart making babies smarter. She ends with this pretty funny line: "It's never too early; Mozart began composing at the tender age of five!"
This version of the video can be found on the initial early 1998 releases. It was also used as the basis of the Japanese and Hebrew versions.
Second Version
The first change to Baby Mozart was relatively minor. In late 1998, all mentions of I Think I Can Productions were replaced with The Baby Einstein Company. The only other change is the removal of a credit mentioning that some of the toys in the video were purchased at The Right Start.
This version of the video can be found on all releases from late 1998 to early 2000.
Third Version
In early 2000, Family Home Entertainment bought the distribution rights. Aside from adding their logo to the video, we get the first major change to the video. Around the same time, the CD was rereleased with an updated score. The music now sounds fuller and more polished, and it is this version of the soundtrack that is still sold today.
Another big change is that The Mozart Effect has been removed, never to be seen again. In addition, all of the visuals have been improved. However, a small error was made when they were updating the credits. Puppeteer Tim Guigni's name has been misspelled as "Tom". This error will remain unfixed for quite a while.
This version of the video is only seen on early 2000 FHE releases.
Fourth Version
Exactly the same as the previous version, except for the addition of the screen telling us where we can find the toys, and the 2000 Video Tutorial.
This version of the video is only seen on mid 2000 FHE releases.
Fifth Version
This is the version I had growing up. It's almost the same as the previous version, except for the addition of the Toy Chest at the end.
This version of the video is seen on late 2000 to late 2001 FHE releases, as well as the initial DVDs.
Sixth Version
In 2002, after Disney took over the company, all traces of the FHE logo were removed. This is the last release of Baby Mozart to have the 2000 Video Tutorial and the Toy Chest.
This version of the video appears on 2002 releases.
Seventh Version
In this version, the tutorial and Toy Chest are now gone. In addition, the warning screen at the beginning is also removed, so the video now starts on a black screen, which peels up to reveal the drumming bear.
This version of the video is seen on 2003 and early 2004 releases.
Eighth Version
As was the case with Baby Einstein, in 2004, Baby Mozart received its biggest update yet. The transitions are updated again, and Tim Giugni's name is reverted back to its proper spelling.
Once again, a lot of toys are replaced in this release. This time, I feel the replacements are even more egregious and poorly implemented. For example, the drumming bear that begins the video is replaced by a stuffed bear which is being puppeteered to drum. It looks really bad and distracting. Later, the same bear is used to replace a bubble-blowing Coca-Cola bear. This is achieved by putting a bubble wand in the bear's paw, and blowing bubbles from behind it.
Continuing the trend of trying to erase Julie Clark's family from the videos, the credits sequence is missing the scenes of young Aspen Clark in the studio playing with the puppets. I don't really understand why they keep doing this.
This version of the video is found on releases from 2004-2008.
Ninth Version
Unlike the original video, the changes to Baby Mozart didn't stop in 2004. In 2008, to celebrate the video's 10th anniversary, even more changes were made. While it uses the 2004 version as a basis, the changes in this version are much worse.
The most obvious change is the addition of some new puppet segments. The video now starts with a short clip of Baby Mozart the Koala getting ready to conduct, which then transitions into the replacement drumming bear footage. Another clip of him taking a bow is also added after the credits.
During The Magic Flute section of the video, the scenes of the Divin' Dolphin puppet are now interspersed with stock footage of the ocean. The sequence that follows with the giraffe, rooster, and frog puppets is removed entirely, and replaced by a sort of "ballet" with some of the Baby Einstein puppets. It's fine, but I miss the frog puppet. 😢
Other small changes include the replacement of a picture of bean sprouts with a picture of grapes, and the slideshow of animal pictures is entirely different. The only toy to be replaced in this version is the Happy Starfish, who is replaced by a modern update.
This version of the video is only seen on the 2008 DVD.
Tenth Version/Discovery Kit
The final round of changes is undeniably the most bizarre. In 2010, the franchise was on its last legs, so Disney started releasing new videos as part of packages known as "Discovery Kits". Most of the Discovery Kits were just updated versions of older videos, but some were new. This is not one of them...
This version starts with a quote by Albert Einstein regarding Mozart's music. There is also a new intro with an entirely different logo and cheap looking CGI curtains at the top of the screen. The scene transitions have been redone yet again, making this the third time they've been changed.
A lot of the toys that were replaced in 2004 are back in this version, such as Mr. Buggity Bugget, and the helicopter. Even stranger is that some toys have been replaced for a second time, such as the dolls that appear before The Magic Flute.
All of the new puppet shows that were added to the 2008 version are gone, meaning that we get to see my favorite frog puppet again!!!! The scene in the credits with Aspen and the puppeteer is mostly restored, albeit with that distracting CGI curtain covering half of the screen. The animal picture slideshow is also redone again, this time with an entirely different song.
Perhaps the most unusual change to this version is the addition of several scenes from Baby Bach. The aforementioned quote from Einstein is followed by Baby Bach footage of a flipping dog toy. This reuse of footage continues throughout the video, and I have to question why. Another Discovery Kit video, Baby Lullaby, also cannibalizes footage from Baby Bach, but that's a story for another day.
Unfortunately, the Discovery Kits were a huge flop that failed to resurrect the series, and they remain the last Baby Einstein videos ever made. Disney sold the company to Kids II in 2013, and things have been quiet for the franchise since then.
This version of the video is only found in the 2010 Discovery Kit.
Up next, I'm going to discuss the various versions of Baby Bach.
When I was a little baby, one of my favorite activities was watching the many videos of the Baby Einstein series. Those videos really captivated me, and gave me a greater appreciation of classical music. However, little did I know when I was little that there have been many, many, many variations of them over the years. So, I thought I'd do something a little different here to commemorate my 25th birthday (which was like a month ago, but still). Gentlemen, I give you...
The Many Versions of Baby Einstein/Language Nursery (1997)
Back in 1996, a suburban Atlanta mother named Julie Clark was dissatisfied with the poor quality of videos aimed at very young children. Her husband was a videographer, and, with the help of six other ladies, each speaking a different language, she released the original Baby Einstein video in early 1997.
First Version
This is the initial version of the video as seen on the first few releases in 1997/98. The video starts with an informative tutorial at the beginning with Julie Clark. She tells parents how to use the video as clips from it are shown, interspersed with footage of her children. Then, the actual video starts as you'd expect, although one big difference right off the bat is that the company is credited as "I Think I Can Productions". This was apparently the name of an English school in Japan that her husband was teaching at
Other things to note about this initial version of the video include a completely different Hebrew narrator than the one I remember, and the scene transitions are kind of awkward and cheesy. But there's a certain charm to this version, especially knowing how popular it went on to become despite these production shortcomings.
This version of the video is seen on the initial 1997 releases by I Think I Can Productions and Gymboree. The original Japanese release of the video is also based on this initial version, albeit with the Hebrew parts redubbed into Chinese.
Second Version
In late 1998, a few changes were made to the video, as, by this point, the sequel, Baby Mozart, had already been released, with a third video on the way.
The biggest difference in this version is that the Hebrew dialogue has been entirely rerecorded by Iris Zinger, replacing Lynne Albertson from the original version. This may just be nostalgia speaking, but I prefer the Zinger version. She sounds more warm and inviting to me. During the scene of the video where the Hebrew alphabet is recited, Albertson sings in her version, with percussion in the background. Zinger's version is a simple recitation with no music, although the falling noise when the blocks are pushed over remains intact.
Some other minor changes were also made. For example, the tutorial is moved to the end of the video, and a "Stay Tuned" screen is now in its place. The scene transitions are redone, and a scene near the end of the video where pictures of vegetables are shown has most of the pictures changed to fruit, with the exception of the peas. Lastly, the color and font of the credits are changed from red and blue to orange and green, which they remain in all future versions.
The video is also now credited to The Baby Einstein Company instead of I Think I Can, as Clark's rights to use that name had run out.
This version of the video is seen on late 1998-early 2000 releases. Starting in early 2000, Family Home Entertainment gained distribution rights to the Baby Einstein series, with parent company Artisan acquiring a stake in the company. As such, early 2000 releases of the video feature the FHE Kids logo.
Third Version
This version of the video is the one that I grew up watching, so it will always be my particular favorite.
Changes in this version include the removal of the tutorial at the end, although the Stay Tuned screen still mentions it. Instead, we get a new tutorial that begins with Clark reading a passage from the Baby Shakespeare book, before she goes over the various products that have been released by this point. Watching this version of the tutorial really takes me back to my childhood.
The new tutorial is also preceded by a screen telling us where we can find info about the various toys seen in the video, as well as listing off the other videos in the series.
This version of the video only appears on the mid-2000 FHE release.
Fourth Version
In late 2000, another big round of changes were made to the video. While no changes were made to the visual content, the audio received a major update.
To coincide with the recently released Language Nursery CD, the German, Spanish, French, and Japanese narrators were all replaced. While the German narrator (Gabriele Rewis) rerecorded all of her dialogue (except for two songs), the other three languages have entirely different narrators. It should be noted that the credits were not changed to mention the new narrators, for some reason.
Another addition to this video was the Toy Chest. Around this time, most of the Baby Einstein videos had an additional segment at the end which featured a slideshow of all the featured toys. These segments were really fascinating to me as a child, as it gave me information on who was responsible for making and selling them.
One final change is that the warning screen at the beginning of the video now has Julie Clark's usual narration that was seen on all the other videos around this time.
It should also be noted that, around this time, the title of the video was changed to "Baby Einstein: Language Nursery", although no change was made to the actual video.
This version of the video is seen on all releases from late 2000-late 2001. It also appears on the first DVD releases.
Fifth Version
In late 2001, Clark sold her company to Disney, which marked the beginning of a new era for the videos.
Starting with this release, all references to Family Home Entertainment are removed and replaced with the Walt Disney Home Entertainment logo. Otherwise, the content of the video is mostly the same as the previous version. This is the last version of the video to have the tutorial and Toy Chest at the end, as those had become special features on the DVDs at this point.
This version of the video appears on all releases from 2002.
Sixth Version
Exactly the same as the previous version, except the Toy Chest and tutorial are no longer featured.
This version of the video appears on all 2003-early 2004 releases.
Seventh Version
In 2004, Disney went back to the videos made before they bought the company and began to change them. All videos from Baby Einstein to Baby Beethoven had some kind of alterations made, but the first few featured the most changes.
There's a lot of differences here, so let's get to it. Firstly, the title of the video was finally changed to Language Nursery, complete with a new intro sequence that no longer matches the music. All of the scene transitions are redone again to look "shinier". The credits are also redone in a thinner font, and the replacement narrators are finally credited.
The biggest change involves the toys. For whatever reason, starting with this release, a lot of the toys have been replaced. For example, the iconic Fisher-Price Rock-a-Stack has been replaced with a similar wooden stacking toy, and the train that reappears throughout the video has been replaced with a smaller one that pulls along freight cars. If I had to guess, I would say that these changes were made for rights issues, and the reason I think that is because both of the featured toys that were made by Fisher-Price (the aforementioned Rock-a-Stack and a musical clock) were replaced. Was there some kind of issue with Fisher-Price that prevented them from using their toys again?
In addition, there was a minor change made with the Spanish counting segment. In all previous versions, it only went up to 10. From here on out, it goes up to 20 like all of the other languages. This results in a rather sloppy extension of the footage.
Probably the worst change in my opinion has to do with the credits. In between the names, we see footage of Julie Clark's young daughter playing peek-a-boo with her parents. In all previous versions of the video, we could hear their voices encouraging her to play. It's a really sweet way to end the video. Starting with the 2004 version, however, there is complete silence. We still see the girl playing peek-a-boo, but no words come out. Just empty, soul-crushing silence. It's actually kind of creepy.
When my little sister was just a baby, and we were experiencing these videos all over again with her, we made the mistake of borrowing the DVD of this version from our local library. We were all shocked, not only by the replacement voices, but by all of the new toys. And the sad thing is that this seems to be the finalized version of the video. No more changes were made after this, and the video was rereleased one last time in 2008 before Disney sold the company in 2013.
This version of the video can be seen on all releases after 2004.
In conclusion, the first video in the Baby Einstein franchise has had a long history of releases and alterations. If I were to pick one version that I would call the definitive version, I would pick the Mid-2000 FHE release. Not just because it's the one I grew up with, but because it perfectly captures what watching these videos was like back in the day.
Next up, I'm going to go over all of the different versions of Baby Mozart, because there's some interesting differences there as well.
Since I couldn't find any SCTV transcripts online, I decided to make one myself!
Announcer: And now, a special afterschool presentation of the classic Bulgarian children's film, Pepi Longsocks.
BULGANIN FLEMSK
primsk
PEPI LONGSOCKS
[Exterior of a little schoolhouse. Several children run out of the building laughing like idiots as the bell rings.]
Eugene Levy: [out-of-sync] Boy, I've long been awaiting the end of school and now it is here!
Andrea Martin: Summer at last!
Rick Moranis: Two months of fun and relaxation!
Everyone: [singing] No more pencils, no more books, no more angry looks from the schoolmaster!
[more laughing]
Catherine O'Hara: Hey! Where's Pepi?
Dave Thomas: He was detained fortunately! When the bell rang he became so excited, he jumped up and cracked the plaster on the ceiling!
Levy: Stupid Pepi! He is so unusual! He is always getting into trouble with his mischievous behavior!
Moranis: We had best leave him here! We are wasting valuable vacation time!
Martin: Josef is right, we should be playing.
O'Hara: Uh-huh. Hey! Let's play jump the weeds!
Levy: Boy, that is a great vacation game! We can use the field behind my father's farmhouse!
Thomas: Yeah, let's go. We can have fun without Pepi Longsocks!
[Everyone goes running off and laughing. A larger boy, Pepi Longsocks (John Candy), emerges from the schoolhouse.]
Pepi: Hey, where is everyone? [He looks around but doesn't see his friends, then kicks a rock and hurts his foot] Ow!
[Pepi throws the rock so hard that it goes flying and hits a passing cyclist]
Cyclist: What the Hell?!?? Augh, my head...
[Later, at Pepi's home, his father (Joe Flaherty) is making dinner]
Father: Ugh, agh, wow, potatoes are hot, baby! Whoa! Agh, oh, they're hot, eat! Eat, Pepi, your mother used to tell you it'd put hair on your upper lip.
Pepi: I am not hungry, Father.
Father: It saddens me when you are not happy, Pepi. Here...[picks up a potato] Here, look! Pepi, heh heh, I'm a potato! Ha ha ha, look at that, I'm a potato!
[silence]
Father: Don't you get it? It's a joke.
Pepi: Yes, Father. It is very funny.
Father: Now as a young boy in Smelsk, I would laugh and laugh when I heard the potato joke.
Pepi: I do not feel like laughing, Father, not even at the potato joke.
Father: Pepi, you are very sad because your friends think that, well, you're unusual.
Pepi: They do not even ask me to play "jump the weeds". I should crush their heads like nuts! Like nuts, I tell you!
Father: Pepi, do you remember the day of the great potato harvest? The sun was shining. It was a beautiful day, we were laughing and laughing, laughing and laughing, and then you, well, then you jumped on the family ox and broke its legs in half.
Pepi: Oh ho ho ho, yes, Father, that was the day Mother spanked me!
Father: Do you remember what you did?
Pepi: Yes, Father, I tossed her out the window, into the woodpile!
Father: Now let me tell you something, Pepi. You possess superpowers and super strength. You must not allow yourself to get angry. Remember, you had ten classmates last year, and now you have but five.
Pepi: You are right, Father. I guess I am unusual. I will go look for my friends. I'll have much fun playing "jump the weeds". Mmm, a potato! Yumyumyumyumyum!!!
Father: Hahahaha, eat that potato! Eat it, Pepi, it's good for you!
[Meanwhile, the children are now in front of a windmill, playing "jump the weeds". They are still laughing and having fun.]
Thomas: Helga, you will never jump that weed, that one there! There!
Levy: Your foot will surely touch it!
O'Hara: You jumped it, Simchak!
Moranis: You are but a girl, everyone knows girls can't jump the weeds like boys can!
Martin: Come on, Helga, show Josef that surely girls are better than boys!
[O'Hara jumps the weeds]
Thomas: Oh, look there, you touched it!
Moranis: Look there, you brushed the weed with your sandal!
Levy: Ha ha, the proof is rightly in the potato now!
O'Hara: Maybe so, but at least we are having fun on our summer vacation!
Martin: That is true, it really is, especially without...Pepi Longsocks, hahahahahaha!!!
[more laughing]
Levy: Come, let us jump that weed over there!
[The others all follow him. Pepi is then seen pulling a leaf off of a tree, which then falls over.]
Pepi: [waving] Hey Simchak, Olga, hello Dimitri, hey there, Helga and Josef!
Moranis: Oh, no! It's Pepi Longsocks!
Thomas: Say, look at his large frame, I tell you!
Levy: Oh, indeed, and his broad girth!
O'Hara: He's surely unusual!
[more annoying laughter]
Pepi: I brought you some leaves because you are my friends and I am eager to play "jump the weeds" with you!
Levy: We would rather play "jump the weeds" with a pair of oxen!!!
Pepi: Hahahaha, that is funny, although less humorous than the potato joke, ha ha ha ha!
Martin: Go away, Pepi Longsocks!
Thomas: We don't want to play with you, we tell you, ha ha!
Levy: We would frown on it!
Moranis: Summer vacation is almost over!
O'Hara: Ha ha, and you're unusual!!!
Pepi: You are trying to make me angry, but it will not work, because you are my friends and I don't want to hurl you through the air like a hammer throw, ha ha ha!
Thomas: Go away, Pepi!
Martin: Yes, you look funny, you've got all these things, they are, you look really funny!
Levy: You have spots on your face!
Moranis: Resembling a leopard!
O'Hara: With measles!!!!
[All of this laughter finally proves to be too much for Pepi to handle, so he picks up all of his friends, spins them around, and throws them away, killing them instantly]
Pepi: Ha! Now I have no one to anger me, except my father. But he makes...good potatoes. And I am hungry a lot of the time. So I will have fun playing "jump the weeds" by myself. There's a weed! Over I go, ha ha ha ha! I will jump it again! Here I go, OH!!! Oh, now I am having fun on my summer vacation!
FINSK
Sketch: Close Encounters
Mrs. Rafferty relates her latest encounter with those Goddamn aliens.
• Are you fucking kidding me??? Why is this back again? They gave it a proper conclusion almost THREE YEARS AGO!!!!
• Hey, Aidy’s lost some weight!
• At least Woody Harrelson is a perfect fit for this sketch. I actually laughed at his character’s first line questioning why it’s called The Pentagon when it “only” has five sides.
• *sigh* Kate’s character is going through all of her usual tired routines. Thankfully, there’s no Ryan Gosling for her to crack up this time.
• Woody and Pedro’s characters are giving me my only laughs.
• Oh, wow, Mrs. Rafferty just got between someone’s legs! What a hilarious and unexpected twist!!! Barf!
• How is this only the first time Meryl Streep has ever appeared on SNL? And it has to be in THIS??? What a fucking waste of her talents.
Film: The Stagehand
Laraine Newman returns to Studio 8H, where she meets a familiar face working there as a stagehand.
• Sweet, a Laraine Newman showcase! I’ve always been more familiar with her from providing “additional voices” in so many animated films.
• Seeing her interacting with Mikey is kind of sweet, considering that they’re both Groundlings alumni.
• Chad is back, bros!!! Despite dying on Mars in Season 46, he’s somehow been resurrected as an employee at SNL!
• The interplay between these two is hilarious!
• Laraine: “Could you do me a favor?” Chad: “Heh, do me.” I hate that I laughed at that.
• This part with Chad screwing things up and saying “My bad.” has no right to be as funny as it is. I also love how it’s the exact same recording each time he says it.
• After Laraine’s heartwarming speech about all the memories she’s had, I LOVE how Chad’s favorite memory is something we saw only a minute ago!
Musical Performance: “50 Years” by Adam Sandler
• As if things couldn’t get any more special, now we have a Jack Nicholson cameo!!!
• Turns out he was there to introduce an Adam Sandler guitar song! FUCK YEAH!!!
• That’s Dan Bulla on the keyboard. Apparently Adam was responsible for recommending him to SNL, as they had worked together on some comedy specials.
• It’s sad that this is the only time we get a Victoria Jackson mention tonight, even though she was apparently in the audience.
• I’m getting tears in my eyes when he brings up Phil and Chris Farley at the end…Who knew that Adam fucking Sandler would give us one of the most emotional moments of this special??!
• I don’t normally rate the musical performances, but, since this was so good…
Sketch: New York 50th Musical
New York is celebrated.
• ANOTHER Mulaney musical sketch?!??? Did we really need two in one season??? Jesus Christ, these sketches aren’t as iconic as SNL and the media think they are.
• I should be more excited to see David Spade, but we just saw him a few episodes ago as Hunter Biden.
• They’re clearly running out of ideas for these, as the inciting line from Pete in this one is just him saying that he’s moving to New York.
• Fuck, it’s Maya singing again! And she’s dressed as…a heroin needle…could it be any more obvious why I hate these sketches??!!???
• Not even the sight of Adam Driver in a hot dog costume is making me laugh.
• Why are they singing the Fame theme song if this is supposed to be the 70s? Didn’t that come out in the 80s?
• Hey, it’s G.E. Smith, mugging up a storm as always!!! And he’s rocking out with Paul Shaffer!
• NATHAN LANE!!!!!!! The episode he hosted in Season 23 is an underrated classic, and it’s such a surprise to see him on the show again!!! Unfortunately, he’s there to sing a cocaine-themed parody of “Hakuna Matata”, because reference!!! To a movie that won’t come out until 1994!!! Did they just randomly pick these celebrities without thinking about if they made sense in these particular decades???
• Despite my saltiness, Lane is still as amazing as ever. It brings me right back to my childhood listening to his voice on that George and Martha cartoon (which coincidentally also featured SNL’s Tony Rosato).
• Putting Jason Sudeikis and Will Forte in fake mustaches will never NOT be funny! Their song is actually making me laugh for a change!
• On an unrelated note, I can see Brad Hall (!) behind them as they’re arguing! Nice to see him on the show again! Also, you can see Woody Harrelson in the background with a zoned-out expression. Guess he’s tired of this shit too!!! Or, more likely, he’s just high.
• I did get a laugh at John introducing Kristen’s character as a prostitute.
• No. NO. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!! IT’S MOTHERFUCKING KATE GIULIANI AGAIN!!!!! *I grab a gun and shove it in my mouth like Budd Dwyer, pulling the trigger and sparing myself from having to watch this bullshit again*
• And now Lin-Manuel Miranda is there to do a shitty parody of a song from his musical? Why is this still going on????
• Oh, and just to screw me over even more, now there’s a drag version of Michael Bloomberg, played by Sarah. *I put a plastic bag over my head and suffocate myself to death*
• *sigh* Mulaney actually tells Sarah that her impression is “great”. I don’t know what impression you heard, buddy, but that sounded awful!
• Another genuine laugh from a tall, unknown extra playing Bill DeBlasio.
• James Austin Johnson is wasted with a small role as a whiskey bottle.
• Mulaney: “Remember what this city gave you!” Pete: “Herpes?” Okay, that did get a chuckle from me.
• And Kenan comes out at the end as the lobster from the original sketch. Holy shit, does that mean that this is going to be the final installment??? It better fucking be!!!
• Overall, that was definitely the worst of these sketches. It was way too long, had several extremely annoying elements, and in general, there was kind of a half-assed aura to it. However, I did surprisingly get a few laughs from it, which has never happened before.
Montage: Commercials
• Ugh, it’s fucking Alec Baldwin. Please go away!!!
• Anyway, the only reason he’s here is to introduce our next montage: one about commercials!!!
• I love how this starts off with the iconic “Oops! I Crapped My Pants!” (“How do you know so much about Oops! I Crapped My Pants?” “I’m wearing them, and I just did.”)
• All of our favorites are here!!! “Colon Blow”! “Happy Fun Ball”! “Mom Jeans”! They’re all there!!!
• Nice to see some Tim Robinson representation with the hilarious “Z Shirts” commercial!
• And you know I loved seeing the “Toilet Death Ejector” again!!!
Sketch: Bronx Beat
Betty and Jodi interview Miles Teller before everyone’s favorite verklempt old lady Linda Richman hijacks the show.
• Not too thrilled to see this again. I’m not a big fan of sketches where the only joke is the way people talk. And SNL has done waaaaaay too many sketches about how funny New Yorkers talk.
• At least Miles Teller is a welcome presence, reminding me of how much I liked him as a host, despite the horrid material he was saddled with.
• So far, I’m not exactly hating this like I thought I would…but I’m not laughing, either.
• Random and unexpected appearance from Mike Myers as his Linda Richman character, the first time she’s appeared since 1997. I love Mike Myers and all, but not one of my favorite characters of his. I would have preferred seeing the return of Dieter, to be honest.
• Thanks to his aging, he now resembles an old lady more than he did while he was in the cast. This also leads to a funny blooper when he has trouble pronouncing “shpilkis in his genechtagazoink”.
• And there goes the overused “I’m feelin’ verklempt” catchphrase.
• Not much to say about this one, really. What was the point of even bringing Miles Teller on stage when they were just going to forget about him halfway through for memberberries?
Musical Performance: “Uproar”, “Lollipop”, “6 Foot 7”, “A Milli” by Lil Wayne, The Roots, and DJ T. Lewis
In Memoriam Montage
Tom Hanks introduces a montage of all the moments that are considered “problematic”nowadays.
• Alternate title: “If you laughed at any of these, then you are a Trump supporter”
• Is it wrong that I laughed at a lot of these???
• Nice use of Adrien Brody’s infamous Rasta routine that got him in trouble.
• I got an unintentional laugh from seeing a young Larry David in one of the clips.
• Some of these “problematic” moments aren’t even that bad. The one with Ben Affleck yelling at Fred as a disabled man was kind of the point. They were showing what a horrible person he was for discriminating against the disabled.
• There’s the classic clip of Norm saying that SNL doesn’t hire women!
• Again, the section showing off “problematic” makeup (i.e. blackface) is missing the point that some (not all) of those examples were satirical. For example, the one of Kevin Nealon in Al Jolson-esque makeup was making fun of the time when Ted Danson roasted Whoopi Goldberg in blackface, and the one with Joe Piscopo and Eddie dressed as Chinamen was mocking advertising companies and their use of stereotypical mascots.
• It doesn’t help that all of the examples shown have been pixelated to protect the snowflakes in the audience. SNL needs to stop being pussies and acknowledge their sometimes offensive past.
• They even censor a clip of Fred’s Prince impression, even though we JUST SAW HIM DOING IT AT THE CONCERT THE OTHER NIGHT!!!!
• Great ending with the montage of criminal guests such as OJ, Diddy, and Jared Fogle.
Sketch: Debbie Downer
Debbie airs her grievances at a bar.
• Jimmy Fallon, Ayo Edebiri, and Drew Barrymore is such an odd combination.
• Debbie Downer?!!?? Holy shit, talk about unexpected!
• As much as I hate that this character became recurring, I will never get tired of those “wah-waaaaah” sound effects.
• I like the variation on the routine with chicken sounds being played instead after Debbie talks about the bird flu.
• I’m amazed that Jimmy hasn’t cracked up once. That’s clearly the reason why they put him in this, but it’s just not happening.
• Maybe it’s just the festive atmosphere, but I’m actually liking Ayo’s performance here more than I did when she hosted.
• Fuck, now we have a DeNiro appearance. Can’t wait to see him botch all of his lines!!!!
• I like the fake-out with Debbie doing the “You talkin’ to me?” routine, only it turns out to just be a genuine question because she has dry-eye and can’t see properly.
• Amazingly, DeNiro only screws up once, and it takes a while for it to actually happen. By default, this is his most professional appearance on SNL.
• And, of course, they had to get in a feline AIDS reference at the end. Meow meooooooowwwww!
Sketch: Scared Straight
Lorenzo McIntosh returns yet again to scare ex-convicts straight.
• Now here’s another character nobody expected to ever see again!
• Mikey, Michael, and Marcello are all perfectly cast as the ex-convicts.
• I knew I was in for a great time when Eddie entered in a ridiculous wig.
• Eddie seems to screw up his line asking the criminals what they’re in for. They just roll with it and keep going.
• So many hilarious lines in just the Harry Potter portion alone.
• The funniest line of this entire special is Eddie talking about how Sirius Black is going to be waving his “wand” in Longfellow’s face!
• Amusing meta-reference to Eddie’s (many) roles in The Nutty Professor.
• Kenan breaks a little when he’s telling Mikey how he’s going to be “professin’ yo love of nuts”.
• My mom burst out laughing when Eddie started chanting “Hercules, Hercules!” That’s her favorite part of the movie!
• Suddenly Will Ferrell enters as a third cop, who is scantily dressed, naturally.
• I like how Will just comes out and admits that the situation he’s describing is just the plot of Elf.
• Marcello: “So, you were an elf? Ha! I knew you were a little bitch!”
• LOL! They had to mute Eddie swearing!
• Mikey is holding back chuckles when Will starts talking about how he’s gonna get raped in prison.
• This is, hands down, the highlight of this entire anniversary special! And I’ve never even seen any of the original Scared Straight sketches!
Film: Don’t Look Back in Anger
A rerun of the iconic John Belushi short film.
• Holy shit, Garrett Morris!!!
• He’s here to introduce the infamous “I’m the only one left” film with John Belushi as an old man, which, of course, has added sadness given that he was the first to die.
• My comments can’t do this film justice, so just go read Stooge’s review, because he says all there is to be said.
Musical Performance: “Golden Slumbers, Carry That Weight, The End”
• Sweet! A Paul McCartney performance to wrap things up!
Final thoughts: Overall, what a great time! After suffering through an absolutely terrible anniversary season, it’s nice to see that SNL still knows how to put on a big production! While not as great as the last special, the highs here are really high, and the lows are…shockingly few, but they were really wretched.
Best sketches: Black Jeopardy, Anxiety, Bill Murray’s commentary, The Stagehand, 50 Years, Debbie Downer, Scared Straight
Worst sketches: Lawrence Welk, Vow Renewal, Two Best Friends From Who Gives A Shit, Close Encounter, the return of Kate as Giuliani, In Memoriam montage
Next review: Dave Chappelle/GloRilla (for real this time!)
