Cold Open: A Holiday Message From The President
Trump talks about the Epstein Files and Patriot Games.
• They’re still making jokes about Trump hugging the American flag? That was a million years ago!
• JAJ’s Trump has gotten to the point where he’s now speaking improper grammar. That don’t make no sense at all.
• Ugh at the “no homo” line.
• I think my least favorite Trump cold opens are the ones where it’s just him rambling to the camera by himself. And that is exactly what we get here.
Monologue
Ariana sings about all the gifts she’s bought for her friends.
• Yikes! Look at how unhealthily skinny she looks now!
• I kinda expected a musical monologue.
• Bowen unsurprisingly has a lot of focus in this monologue, as it had been announced that day that this was his final episode.
Sketch: Elf on the Shelf Support Group
Elves share their traumatic experiences.
• Who is the narrator at the beginning? It doesn’t sound like anyone in the cast.
• At least the storybook opening isn’t done with AI like it was last episode.
• Attempting to do another Elf on the Shelf sketch is treading dangerous territory, as there’s no way they can top the one with Jason Momoa (“Scrabby, you spelled flashlight wrong!”).
• Ugh, again with the “silly” elf names??? Where did this stereotype come from??????
• Some laughs from how squeaky everyone sounds.
• I love the giant Cheez-It stuck to Jeremy’s character.
• Wonder who was stuck operating Ariana’s severed legs.
• Andrew: “This isn’t Santa’s Workshop, you’re allowed to cry here.”
• Nice picture of an elf snorting a line of coke.
• Kind of an easy joke with Kam’s character getting some pleasure from the picture of an elf getting humped by a Ken doll.
• I love Andrew giving the Sign of the Cross after Kam explodes.
• Kenan’s delivery helped sell the otherwise crass joke about coming out of a dog’s “Hershey-hole”.
• This wasn’t too bad for what it was, but it could have been cutdown by a couple minutes.
Film: Home Alone
Kevin’s traps malfunction on his family.
• Ashley is a perfect choice to play Catherine O’Hara, who sadly died only a month after this aired.
• There’s some immediate red flags being flown once we see that Kevin is being played by…Ariana????? What the fuck??!!?? This is just more evidence that she has a weird age play kink!
• I love how well they captured the feel of the original movie’s cinematography and sets.
• Why is Colin in this sketch? What’s the point of trying to push him as a star when he’s 800 years into his tenure??? At least he’s a good fit to play Kevin’s asshole brother.
• *heavy sigh* All of a sudden, this turns into another one of those gory death sequences. Are they gonna do this in every Christmas show now??? Because nothing says Christmas like people dying!
• I remember how funny the Scrooge one was because it came out of literally nowhere. But now, I’m just rolling my eyes whenever one of Kevin’s relatives falls victim to his traps. Also, wouldn’t Kevin have cleaned everything up after the Wet Bandits got arrested?
• At least it was satisfying seeing Bowen lose his arms.
• Aw man, did they really have to kill Old Man Marley?
• Wait, this was all just a dream??? UGGGGHHHH!!!!
• Overall, an unnecessary retread of a format that I wish they’d stop going back to.
Sketch: Dancing 101
Two choreographers offer unique dancing lessons.
• Even when he’s not the focus, Bowen can’t resist acting like a queen.
• I am not liking this at all. I thought for sure it was another Jimmy Fowlie “masterpiece”, but apparently it was written by Marcello in collaboration with three other people nobody cares about.
• I love how Ariana says that she and Marcello are responsible for the dancers in those awful Jardiance commercials. Or, in Marcello’s words, “We made diabetes look like something ya want!”
• Other than that, though, this sketch is a total snooze. Not even JAJ dancing can save it.
Fake Ad: Random Duet Christmas Spectacular
Your favorite Christmas songs sung by unlikely duos.
• I like the tribute to David Bowie and Bing Crosby’s iconic Christmas duet at the beginning.
• Nice to see JAJ’s funny Bob Dylan impression again. Also, Ariana does a better Katy Perry impression than I expected.
• Ugh, please stop trying to make Marcello as Bad Bunny a thing.
• Sarah doesn’t sound anything like Kate Bush, so I don’t know why the writers bothered.
• Did you know Yoko Ono loves shouting and screaming? That’s the joke!!! Also, no comment on the fact that it’s Bowen playing the role.
• Kenan as Stevie Wonder??? Sorry, not buying it.
• Is that Veronika playing Post Malone? Why??????
• They’re even shoehorning Jane’s Update routine into this sketch. It still isn’t funny.
• The key to a successful Lil Jon impression: just shout “WHAT?” and that’ll be good enough.
• No idea who Cameron Winter is, but JAJ’s impression is pretty good, as usual.
• What’s with the weird Benson Boone running gag where he keeps destroying instruments?
• Ariana reprises her role as Celine Dion from her last episode, while JAJ debuts an amazing take on Andrea Bocelli. Who knew JAJ was so good at opera?
• While this was a lot better than the last impression showcase, I still hated most of them. Why won’t SNL hire more impressionists?
Sketch: Black Santa
A criminal claims to be Santa.
• A sketch with Kenan as the lead only spells disaster at this point of his tenure.
• Great, now he’s ruining my favorite Cher song! I don’t think I need to say anymore.
Musical Performance: “DJ Play A Christmas Song”
Weekend Update (featuring Che’s nephew Tyson and the Trend Forecasters)
• The jab at Kevin Spacey was pretty good.
• Horrible “joke” referring to Michael Jackson as a “white woman”.
• Kam gets another chance on Update. Hopefully this is better than his last one.
• Something about his delivery reminds me of Tracy Morgan.
• I love how Che says that Santa is probably watching the show because he’s over 100 years old and white.
• While repetitive, this was much better than Kam’s last Update appearance, particularly the line about how he’s gonna “Polar Express” Mrs. Claus.
• Aw no, not another Joke Swap. I am SO sick of these!
• I had to turn this one off as soon as Colin got to a joke about Catholic priests. Not that any of the jokes were funny, either.
• To “celebrate” Bowen’s last episode, we get the return of those awful Trend Forecasters he used to play with Aidy Bryant. While it is nice to see Aidy again, I wish it were under better circumstances than this.
Sketch: Love Is Blind: The Reunion
The Grinch is reunited with his lover.
• Mikey plays the Grinch for the second week in a row.
• What the fuck am I even watching?
• Mikey is still likable as always, but what was even the thought process behind this sketch?
• Now the Grinch is talking about his dick! Isn’t that just hilarious???
• STOP. EXPLAINING. THE. JOKES. PLEASE.
• What an embarrassing misfire of a sketch.
Musical Performance: “Run Rudolph Run”
• Ariana introduces this sketch in-character as that castrated boy she played in that overrated sketch last from last season.
Sketch: Delta Lounge
Ed’s last shift has him remembering what he made in the past.
• Well, here we go. Time for Bowen’s farewell.
• So far, this is just a bunch of campiness and unfunny meta jokes.
• Ugh, now he’s singing…
• I hate to be a Scrooge, but I feel absolutely nothing here. If they were trying to make me cry, then I’m afraid they failed. I could barely make it through Cecily’s farewell without crying, but now, I’m just rolling my eyes and waiting for them to get it over with. Goodbye and good riddance.
Note: A memorial for Rob Reiner is shown before the goodnights, as this was right after he and his wife were killed by their own son.
Cut for Time: Last Stop Christmas Shop
Weird Christmas trees are advertised.
• UGGGHHHHHH!!!! Both Sarah and Ariana are in drag!!! This is gonna be a looooooong sketch!
• Yep, so far, I haven’t cracked so much as a smile.
• Is this the same set as the famous Two A-Holes Christmas tree sketch? I seem to recall another sketch from that period using it as well.
• No comment on the “bush” joke. Did Beavis and Butt-head write that?
• Now we get a pathetic attempt from Sarah to make Chloe break.
• This is quickly devolving into nothing but breaking.
• Someone wasted a lot of money just so they could make a tree urinate. Think about that for a second.
• The only laugh I got from this was the cactus that looks like Verne Troyer.
• Is it any wonder why this shit was left on the cutting room floor?
Final thoughts: While not as wretched as last year’s Christmas show, it was still pretty bad. I don’t think I would give anything higher than three and a half stars.
As for Bowen Yang, thank God that this is the last time I have to talk about him! I hated him from the moment he first joined the show. While there were some occasions he did something I liked, for the most part he was just a campy annoyance. Good fucking riddance!
MVP: James Austin Johnson
Best sketches: Elf on the Shelf Support Group, Cher’s musical performances
Worst sketches: Cold Open, Home Alone, Black Santa, Trend Forecasters commentary, Love Is Blind: The Reunion
Next review: Finn Wolfhard/A$AP Rocky
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