Pepi Longsocks transcript

 Since I couldn't find any SCTV transcripts online, I decided to make one myself!

Announcer: And now, a special afterschool presentation of the classic Bulgarian children's film, Pepi Longsocks.

BULGANIN FLEMSK

primsk

PEPI LONGSOCKS

[Exterior of a little schoolhouse. Several children run out of the building laughing like idiots as the bell rings.]

Eugene Levy: [out-of-sync] Boy, I've long been awaiting the end of school and now it is here!

Andrea Martin: Summer at last!

Rick Moranis: Two months of fun and relaxation!

Everyone: [singing] No more pencils, no more books, no more angry looks from the schoolmaster!

[more laughing]

Catherine O'Hara: Hey! Where's Pepi?

Dave Thomas: He was detained fortunately! When the bell rang he became so excited, he jumped up and cracked the plaster on the ceiling!

Levy: Stupid Pepi! He is so unusual! He is always getting into trouble with his mischievous behavior!

Moranis: We had best leave him here! We are wasting valuable vacation time!

Martin: Josef is right, we should be playing.

O'Hara: Uh-huh. Hey! Let's play jump the weeds!

Levy: Boy, that is a great vacation game! We can use the field behind my father's farmhouse!

Thomas: Yeah, let's go. We can have fun without Pepi Longsocks!

[Everyone goes running off and laughing. A larger boy, Pepi Longsocks (John Candy), emerges from the schoolhouse.]

Pepi: Hey, where is everyone? [He looks around but doesn't see his friends, then kicks a rock and hurts his foot] Ow!

[Pepi throws the rock so hard that it goes flying and hits a passing cyclist]

Cyclist: What the Hell?!?? Augh, my head...

[Later, at Pepi's home, his father (Joe Flaherty) is making dinner]

Father: Ugh, agh, wow, potatoes are hot, baby! Whoa! Agh, oh, they're hot, eat! Eat, Pepi, your mother used to tell you it'd put hair on your upper lip.

Pepi: I am not hungry, Father.

Father: It saddens me when you are not happy, Pepi. Here...[picks up a potato] Here, look! Pepi, heh heh, I'm a potato! Ha ha ha, look at that, I'm a potato!

[silence]

Father: Don't you get it? It's a joke.

Pepi: Yes, Father. It is very funny.

Father: Now as a young boy in Smelsk, I would laugh and laugh when I heard the potato joke.

Pepi: I do not feel like laughing, Father, not even at the potato joke.

Father: Pepi, you are very sad because your friends think that, well, you're unusual.

Pepi: They do not even ask me to play "jump the weeds". I should crush their heads like nuts! Like nuts, I tell you!

Father: Pepi, do you remember the day of the great potato harvest? The sun was shining. It was a beautiful day, we were laughing and laughing, laughing and laughing, and then you, well, then you jumped on the family ox and broke its legs in half.

Pepi: Oh ho ho ho, yes, Father, that was the day Mother spanked me!

Father: Do you remember what you did?

Pepi: Yes, Father, I tossed her out the window, into the woodpile!

Father: Now let me tell you something, Pepi. You possess superpowers and super strength. You must not allow yourself to get angry. Remember, you had ten classmates last year, and now you have but five.

Pepi: You are right, Father. I guess I am unusual. I will go look for my friends. I'll have much fun playing "jump the weeds". Mmm, a potato! Yumyumyumyumyum!!!

Father: Hahahaha, eat that potato! Eat it, Pepi, it's good for you!

[Meanwhile, the children are now in front of a windmill, playing "jump the weeds". They are still laughing and having fun.]

Thomas: Helga, you will never jump that weed, that one there! There!

Levy: Your foot will surely touch it!

O'Hara: You jumped it, Simchak!

Moranis: You are but a girl, everyone knows girls can't jump the weeds like boys can!

Martin: Come on, Helga, show Josef that surely girls are better than boys!

[O'Hara jumps the weeds]

Thomas: Oh, look there, you touched it!

Moranis: Look there, you brushed the weed with your sandal! 

Levy: Ha ha, the proof is rightly in the potato now!

O'Hara: Maybe so, but at least we are having fun on our summer vacation!

Martin: That is true, it really is, especially without...Pepi Longsocks, hahahahahaha!!!

[more laughing]

Levy: Come, let us jump that weed over there!

[The others all follow him. Pepi is then seen pulling a leaf off of a tree, which then falls over.]

Pepi: [waving] Hey Simchak, Olga, hello Dimitri, hey there, Helga and Josef!

Moranis: Oh, no! It's Pepi Longsocks!

Thomas: Say, look at his large frame, I tell you!

Levy: Oh, indeed, and his broad girth!

O'Hara: He's surely unusual!

[more annoying laughter]

Pepi: I brought you some leaves because you are my friends and I am eager to play "jump the weeds" with you!

Levy: We would rather play "jump the weeds" with a pair of oxen!!!

Pepi: Hahahaha, that is funny, although less humorous than the potato joke, ha ha ha ha!

Martin: Go away, Pepi Longsocks!

Thomas: We don't want to play with you, we tell you, ha ha!

Levy: We would frown on it!

Moranis: Summer vacation is almost over!

O'Hara: Ha ha, and you're unusual!!! 

Pepi: You are trying to make me angry, but it will not work, because you are my friends and I don't want to hurl you through the air like a hammer throw, ha ha ha!

Thomas: Go away, Pepi!

Martin: Yes, you look funny, you've got all these things, they are, you look really funny!

Levy: You have spots on your face!

Moranis: Resembling a leopard!

O'Hara: With measles!!!!

[All of this laughter finally proves to be too much for Pepi to handle, so he picks up all of his friends, spins them around, and throws them away, killing them instantly]

Pepi: Ha! Now I have no one to anger me, except my father. But he makes...good potatoes. And I am hungry a lot of the time. So I will have fun playing "jump the weeds" by myself. There's a weed! Over I go, ha ha ha ha! I will jump it again! Here I go, OH!!! Oh, now I am having fun on my summer vacation!

FINSK